✧ Log — #22

two months it's been. i finish my first semester of university in two weeks, and i turn 19 this sunday.

it's a bit surreal. i think because, well, i don't feel anything. i find myself confused at how i'm so nonchalant about this fact. i've heard many people say that 19 is... a rough year. i have no idea what my future in particular will hold, but the fact that i'm not nervous or excited is just a little strange to me.

i get a bit existential when i think about it. what have i done in my first year as an adult? i've graduated high school, started university, started volunteering for a charity - but... that's it. no car, no job -- things i feel like should have been done years ago. i still don't have my individual license, only my L's. i believe that i feel i've let myself down a bit, for not having done these things.

and i know i don't have to -- i don't owe it to anyone. but you know how parents are. mine are a bit different, a bit more understanding. but they joke and they tease, and it stings. "oh i wish i could get [insert item]." "well, maybe you should get a job." yeah, i fucking know. 

i have a partner now. i love them -- god, i adore them. feeling loved is something i'll never get used to. knowing someone thinks about me, without my own intervention or suggestion. they care for me, and want to keep doing so. they love me, they're attracted to me. those things are so unfamiliar, distant, inviting. not a day goes by where i don't wish i could hold them.

things are getting busy. but it's the end of the semester, so it's understandable. crunch time and whatnot. after the first week of june, i'll be a free man for a good month or so. april and may have been fucking nightmares, and i can't wait to not have any major priorities. i'll be able to call my partner more often, play the games i haven't touched since christmas, and hang out with my friends.

life is... better. at least in comparison to when this blog first started. the end of 2022, i believe? i can't be bothered to check. but i was making jerma edits back then, so most likely. dear god, what a complex little man i was. (i just realised, reading my past entry, i said this exact same thing. good lord...)

but yes, things have improved. i think i'm finally starting to get a hang of everything. 

ah, that's what i've done in my first adult year. i've grown.