A Former Toxic Friend

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She was someone we met through a coven years ago. She seemed to be the best friend of the high priestess. They were roommates, and they had another couple living with them. She wasn’t pagan like everyone else there. She dislikes the term "Christian Witch" and I think that's fair, but she did not offer an alternative so that's the best quick descriptor I have for her practice. When we first joined the coven, we thought it was really cool to meet and exchange ideas with so many people from different walks of life. We made some good friends we still see about once a month. Unfortunately, between egos and trauma in the priesthood, and the pandemic, the coven did not make it. It just quietly died while members tried to hold onto their friends. 

In the case of this toxic friend...she played a long game. She managed to share just enough with us for it to feel like we were fairly close for years. Not share all secrets close, but close enough to have tea, share food and some stories, discuss our practices, and check on each other during the pandemic. Before the pandemic, the high priestess and her partners moved out. They left Toxic Friend on bad terms, but they never explained what happened, and the high priestess actually downplayed the issues a lot. During the pandemic, the Other Couple moved out too. We didn’t know it at the time, but that was on bad terms as well, and we would find out the full extent of the mess years later.

 Toxic Friend is twice our age, but we have both made older friends through work before, so we did not think anything of it. It started with having tea occasionally again after we were all vaccinated, and then there was an expectation we would go to her house more. She said some truly awful things about her former roommates. It started with the high priestess, because at that point we had our own problems with her (not nearly as dramatic, but problems). When she moved on to Other Couple the claims were outright shocking. We weren’t close with them, but we liked them. It made us glad they moved across the country, and it made me confused whenever she tried to back pedal and say anything remotely good about them.

 As we got closer with Toxic Friend, the red flags kept appearing. And she was not open to discussing them. She wanted all of M's free time, and she used manipulation and spiritual abuse to exclude me. This also happened to coincide with M getting a little better and us both wanting more independence for them, so before we knew it would be excessive, we thought it was fine. I would be able to go over for game nights with her and her husband once a week, and the rest of her free time she wanted to spend with M. She tried to force her way into our relationship, while insisting her intentions were platonic. When M and I first tried to establish some healthy boundaries, she instantly acted so distraught that it controlled the conversation. We had to negotiate boundaries and actually draw up rules. We ended up giving in a lot because we felt guilty, but we made it clear she could not have all of M’s time and attention anymore.

This trend continued. She was selfish, manipulative, and immature. She could not hear "no" without throwing a tantrum. Even the smallest misunderstanding or perceived slight would turn into a big ordeal. She always tried to twist the situation into something that would require an apology from us. Despite this, we did a decent job standing by each other and sometimes knew we did not owe her that. She also made sure that there were plenty of perceived slights to cry over. If we had not been friends with her for years prior, I don’t think we would have kept contact with her for so long.

In those six months, M started to practice with her. M wasn’t going to convert, but we had previously liked exchanging ideas with her, and we thought M could really grow through shared practice. Once M started practicing with her, a lot of her behavior made a sudden shift. Like I said before, she used spiritual manipulation. She even claimed that when we hit a deer while taking a cross-country trip that it was a spiritual attack from one of her enemies. She claimed that if M broke ties from her after they started practicing, it would do them serious physical harm. I know, it's pretty crazy, but there was a slow build-up to this. It never made a lot of sense to me, but given what M has already been through, I did not want to take chances. I care too much for M to knowingly do something that would hurt them.

She told M that me being included would bring me harm, and they care too much for me to risk doing something that would hurt me, even spiritually. She played on our care for one another, and as soon as she saw we believed it would hurt M to break ties, is when it all changed. She used to claim to be super literal. This was not a problem for me because both of my little brothers are autistic. In day-to-day I speak plainly, unless I am talking to someone who I know can handle my unhinged metaphors. I had long formed the habit of being concise and direct with her. But once she made that switch, she was suddenly searching for subtext in everything I said. This resulted in her assigning new meanings to even the most basic statements. But only to me. I would usually stand by what I said, and then she would act sad, or innocent and confused. Then I would vent to Maize in the car on the way home. 

At the same time this switch was made, she suddenly stopped taking no for an answer. She explicitly said she would "always try to find a way to a yes" in literally every context. We tried explaining why that wasn't healthy, and she would not discuss it. 

Eventually all of these issues built up, and I had an honest talk with M about how negatively their practicing with her was impacting me and us. It went really well, partially as M had started seeing the way she treated me differently. There was more to it though. Ever since they started this practice, M’s physical health progress had started to decline. It wasn't bad enough to send them to the hospital again, but it was noticeable. Even if you don't believe the practice does anything, I think the stress of her toxicity alone could have that effect. We talked about how we wanted to make her see M needed to stop, and then we had that conversation in person.

In the moment, it technically went okay. We were afraid they would kick us out of their house. We were still open to being D&D friends once a month, but we planned to keep her at an arm's distance. Even though the response to our news wasn't explosive, we still left the conversation unsatisfied. Ex-Friend's husband asked a lot of questions about M's health. He was very concerned and wanted to know that there was a path to recovery. Her brother was similarly concerned, and also wondered if anyone else they had practiced with had been harmed in the same way. All Ex-Friend wanted to know was "What can I keep?" Yes, that is a direct quote. It haunts M. M was unsatisfied because they were fully seeing that they had given her far too much credit. She was even more selfish than they realized. 

I was unsatisfied because I felt like there was more we did not know. The thought consumed me. It felt like it was so close, and then I remembered: I had the ability to reach out to the Other Couple. We hadn’t questioned her horrific version at the time she told it, but that was before we knew how unreliable her perspective was. Now that we knew, I wanted to hear their side.

So I reached out. I texted them for a little bit, so that I could re-read as I needed. It was really validating. They told me her problems with boundaries and turning everything into a big deal happened to them too. They even described some of what she did to us without me asking first. We decided a phone call was in order. At first, M did not want to be a part of it. They thought they were done with the whole situation. They changed their mind at the last minute, and I'm so glad they did.

We dodged an even bigger bullet than we realized. She has a pattern. The Other Couple knew of a few similarities between their experience and that of the high priestess’ throuple, though Toxic friend did not get as far there (She and the high priestess had too much in common). Every time she finds a couple (or throuple) she likes, she picks one to seriously focus on, and the other becomes a side project she finds a way to exclude(the third in the throuple was barely involved). The end goal is sexual. The only difference between their experiences and ours was that since they lived with her, she used sleep deprivation on her chosen "apprentice." One of the ways I "made waves" was insisting M be home for dinner. We learned from them that the next thing she planned to do with M and me was courtship related. She had flatly lied about that. We also learned that she used similar stories to back her spiritual manipulation, even though she claimed most of it was new to us. Oddly enough, she had done a lot of the things she accused the Other Couple of to them before they moved out.

With all of that revealed, M and I didn't even want to play D&D with her. We knew we had to break it off completely, and make sure anyone she would try to move onto next was warned. M did not feel safe ending things in person, so I drafted the texts for it. We all warned the few friends we could see her going for next. They believed us, and took measures to keep themselves safe. I think this alone will break the cycle. She isn't going to go out and find anyone else, she's not physically or socially active enough to do so (and I mean that last part without judgment. Disability is hard). Without the coven as an excuse, I don't see her coincidently finding any more gifted folk. I sent a text to her brother first, explaining what happened, and then sent the text breaking things off with her immediately after so he would not have to be caught in the middle or keep secrets. I also sent a text to her husband, explaining everything and apologizing for not being able to stay friends with him the way we could with her brother. He was a good friend to us, but he really loves his wife and would not leave or even disagree with her. She did not take it well. We did not reply.

Oddly enough, she sought comfort from the Other Couple! She did not tell them who she was talking about, but she twisted things. Naturally, they didn't believe her version, but they still wanted to encourage her to handle this in a healthy and mature way. She did not. She actually accused me of using magick to harm a child. The child is fine, but I'm still rather offended. This is the point where the Other Couple broke and told her they knew the truth. She stopped replying to them. They were shocked. Even after everything, they still expected better from her. We all gave her far too much credit at some point. We've been chatting off and on with that couple since, so at least something good came out of this mess. It's good to have people who understand, and they're hilarious. We've been celebrating each other's healing as we move on.

Mine and M's lives have become substantially better. The very day M broke ties magickally, their blood sugar dropped back under control. It was honestly eerie seeing it respond so fast after being consistently out of control for months. It has been acting normal since. We took some time to rest, and now we are finding more time to see our actual friends. For good measure, I did a binding spell on her (to prevent her from harming herself and others) during the early stages of the eclipse. I was surrounded by strangers and it was really awkward, but no one bothered me. XD

 I have been journaling and getting all of my angry bitter thoughts out in there. Last time I met someone like this woman, I could not write for a decade. I'm not giving her a decade of my creativity. I did have a small block, but I've already mostly moved it. I'm not writing as much as I want yet, but I'm still writing, and that's more than I can say for last time. M and I still talk about it every now and again, when thoughts pop into our heads, or we suddenly realize something we did not have the space to process in the moment (can you believe this is the short version?! Damn, I need more tea). I don't blame M for any of this because I know how falling into this trap happens. They still admit to feeling guilty about it sometimes, but we are working through it. We are also getting back into our hobbies, and making sure to schedule time for ourselves. We are doing so much better, and each day builds on that a little bit more.