Transition as not listed.

(Content Warnings: Sex, m*sturbation, etc. There will be a warning before sensitive stuff.)

I know it’s not Day of Trans Visibility today, but I’ve been thinking lately, about gender expression and sexuality, as well as how I apply those labels to myself.

I was born strange. Injured from birth and developmental hormone levels that would make a stone butch blush.

As I grew physically, I took on a mix of features. Beefier muscles than my female peers (and for a long time, my male peers, too), one breast, ‘child-birthing hips’, body hair in places that made me want to bathe in wax.  I felt like a depiction of the devil, one of those hermaphroditic goat headed figures.

Socially, my parents noticed early that i was interested in mechanics and the army and fighting and I only hung out with boys at school. I was just being myself. My family is of Italian descent and culturally remains so, for that that reason (along with others, I imagine) they tried to “course correct” me over time, forcing me to wear dresses, have long hair and behave in a manner expected of me. They were close with the church and made trips to the Vatican, etc. so I understand that letting me be boyish wouldn’t look good. 

I persisted, almost entirely unaware of their efforts and unaware that I was disabled or that girls, or even other kids, weren’t like me. I cut my hair short again when i was in primary school, and I’d hang out with kids who had lice because my dad kept threatening to cut off my hair when I got them. I hoped he did. Hung out with boys, won (almost) every arm wrestle I ever had up until year ten. 

As an adult, learning about who I was and am and could be was overwhelming. Was I inherently trans? Was I intersex? Was I gay? Was i really disabled or am I just attention seeking? The truth of which lies beyond a label. The best they can do is approximate but I found it very hard to fit into any of them. Medically, was I intersex? No. Disabled? Yes. I fit into few labels and don’t know how to explain myself in way that doesn’t feel ‘quirky’ and pointlessly discerning. 

(Skip coming paragraph if you’d rather not read about NSFW kinda stuff)

What do i know about myself? I couldn’t figure out how to masturbate with these genitals for 20 years. Every (non-trauma related) wet dream I’ve ever had was where I was a man.

(Continue from here)

I like men, but I like very few women, also. I have a mix of secondary sex characteristics and I DON’T intend on getting them changed. I don’t identify with womanhood, but I want to have my own children. I feel closest to a man but I don’t look like one. I’m me but societally I’m someone else. 

Being Trans would mean I’m going somewhere. I’m already here, I just want everyone else to meet me there.