Feelings and emotions (vent warning)

Im coming up to 3 weeks being on estrogen. so thats fun, but im not sure if its effecting my mood or not yet. My ex girlfriend moved out recently and its been pretty lonely at the apartment. I find an odd comfort in it but also it still feels so lonely. I have been trying to surround myself with friends online but i dont have much to work with when it comes to friends in person. Everyone seems like they have all their shit together. Surely not everyone but how else does everyone do it, i feel i don’t know how to hang out with people anymore. my Ex and I are still friends as it ended mutually and i barely know how to hang out with her anymore. 

Dysphoria has been one real bitch recently, while im on estrogen and trying to pass / be who i want to be, i still see the man in the mirror. i get glimpses of the girl in the mirror but they never stay for too long. I really get a boost off seeing the girl in the mirror but seeing it devolve into a man really hurts.

My parents caused a lot of stress before in my life and i don’t know what to do about them. I almost feel like i have to visit them because they provide for me, in some expenses like insurances, taking me out on vacation. Emotionally though, they dont really exist in my head, they are people i feel like i have to talk to and i dont want to talk to them. I was never really connected to them nor was family oriented. I still have yet to tell them that me and my Ex broke up. This is an issue as we have a vacation planned with Me, my parents, and my now ex. So I have to tell them that both we arent together anymore, and i also dont want to go on the vacation. Sure it may be nice, but im such a homebody nor do i want to actively be near them. I also (might)have to tell them about me being transgender. They are transphobic, they dont respect my brother’s partner’s pronouns (they/them) so how can i expect them to even respect me as a person. I dont. are they even deserving of knowing who i am? i feel coming out to someone is more letting someone in on something rather than coming out to the world about it, someone deserves to know if im trans but not everyone has to know or deserves to know. That enough is a stress because as much as i dont care about what they think they are very vocal and judgmental about their views.

Im going back to my parents for 2 days next week for most of the reason being to see my high school best friend who i've recently started talking to again, and the other reason is to give my brother my old pc. I would have to stay at my parents, as i cant afford to be somewhere else while visiting. so im almost forced to interact with them. they always judge me about school, autism, other queer stuff ( i have to inform them about queer stuff because if i dont they'll just make assumptions and hate it more). I do hope hanging out with my friend goes well, im looking forward to it. Not looking forward to the whole parent part.