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it is hard to live knowing at my core i am unreadable, unseeable, unlikable and unknowable.
everyday i yearn for a connection i know i will never have despite devoting my life to it. ask and it
shall be given, knock and it will be opened to you, seek and you will find what you are looking for
but try as i may with all my effort i am fruitless, and tired. people dislike me and i have a hard
time knowing why. i lead with kindness in all that i do, i am patient and open minded, id like to
befriends with everyone regardless of their situation, walk of life, etc. politics dont matter to me, nor
does religion or creed. i just want to know and be known on a soul level. my stomach constantly
hurts, whenever i am in public i cant help but feel like i am being stared at by everyone, and
theyre all thinking of how off putting and uncomfortable i make them.
all my life i have never had friends, people have spoken to me before but i am filler for them,
i approach them and they are instantly perceiving me wrong, thinking i am wasting their time or
just finding me plain annoying. no one listens to anything i have to say despite the fact i could
listen to other people talk happily for hours, i am always willing. i love to be a listener, and i feel
like that is a quality others like in people. i keep my hygiene up, i try to look pretty but my
attempts at even this fail, makeup is unusable for me, no amount of tutorials i watch helps me to understand how to
apply it to my face. for my prom, not even the professional makeup artist could make me look
proper, she had trouble and commented on it. i dont understand why i am so ugly. people say
it is what is inside that counts, and i try to think i have a loving and kind soul but no matter what i
do people are always upset at me, and no matter how kind i am they never give me a second thought.
recently i have tried to work on my confidence, spend money on clothes i like and make me stand
out and be unique, i have tried to get deeper into my interests but the more i invest in something i
like the less i begin to like it, and start to feel like i am playing a character, and like nothing i do is
part of ME. i feel so fake and calculated, and i have no one to speak to about it.
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