cinematic nostalgia and the sensual beauty of the current moment

i am a human first and foremost, i am flesh. i too, was once a girl and i have learned she still exist, we coexist. i think about how time is not linear and i am smack dab in the middle of fibonacci's sequence. all that i was, am, and will be is spiraling happening at once.  i often times find myself ruminating on the past, romanticizing my life in eras, because i can distinctly separate each version of a person i have been, and i can replay their memories like a movie. i feel a certain detachment with myself, in the sense that i allow myself to grow and change. i allow myself unconditional permission to experience humanity in its fullest, for that is the essence of life. because i am a human first and foremost, i am flesh. but i am also essence itself.

while on the journey of that thought process, my ego has begged to be seen, understood. i know there have been countless times they have taken control out of fear. others for pure hedonism. many would say that the ego is no good, to reach spiritual fulfillment you must kill it. destroy it. and i tried. god, did i try!! i've done the cleanses, the purges, the abstinence, but it always resulted back in the same shame cycles i had been experiencing. i was forcing myself to fit into this idea of holy and spiritual, all that i thought was enlightening and righteous. i was forcing magic where there was none. divinity and humanity do not fight each other, they coexist. i now remember this when i eat 3 cookies because they taste so good. or if i splurge on the expensive candle because the smell gives me goosebumps and makes me smile. my ego wants pleasure, sensuality. i allow myself unconditional permission to experience humanity in its fullest, for that is the essence of life. because i am a human first and foremost, i am flesh.
and i think this is entirely spiritual in itself.