is it better to l1ve or to d1e?

I am 21.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.

I want to be a writer, but can't find any jobs. I've tried building my portfolio, but It hasn't landed me any jobs.

I ruin every opportunity I have. Everything.

I had a great opportunity to work on some supreme court case (like a mock-trials type of thing), but I gave it up because I was scared it would be too much work with my classes pickiing up in the fall. Now, I have a dead end temp-job working part time at a clothing store that I hate. 

The major I chose in college is totally useless unless I get a PhD and I don't want a PhD. I can't afford to get a PhD. 

And he kicker is I'm going to ollege for free. I got a 4 year full ride schollar ship. Room and board. and I wasted it on a stupid major. I should have become a nurse. or an accountant. or something with good job security. I wish someone cold have told me the mistake i was making. Everyone around me encouraged me. and now here I am. I've wasted all my time. Now, It's too late for me to change. I'm trapped. 

Last night I felt like I was dying, but I wasn't scared. I felt calm almost. At peace. I think I'm already dead; I just haven't stopped breathing yet. I don't do anything, I don't contribute to society. I'm not memerable. 

So, this is a genuine question.

Is it better to liv3 or to d13?