are we still friends?

im finallyyyy making an entry about this!

me and Alexandra and Anne have known each other for almost a decade, aka since primary school. in 7th grade, me and Anne used to be part of a friend group. as time went, i noticed some people acting weirdly and mean towards me. long story short, apparently all of them were bad mouthing me, including Anne - she was the one who told me this actually. then she had the audacity to say that "she misses when we were all close🥺", as if she didnt just admit that she gossiped ab me the whole year?

well since i had no friends, i agreed to keep in touch with her. time skip to a few months and suddenly me, her and Alexandra become a trio! 

we were hanging out and all but tbh for me it was obvious this wont work until the end, or at least our trio wont work in a healthy way i guess. sometimes it felt like Anne and Alexandra are a duo and im just there. some other times, me and Anne were the duo. things just didnt feel right yknow?

towards the end of 8th grade, i plan to go low contact with Anne because of multiple reasons. Alexandra understands my decision and admits that even she has problems with Anne.

basically me and Alexandra grew really close in summer 2023! i was really happy and i enjoyed all the moments we shared together.

9th grade begins. except all three of us end in different highschools. i continue hanging out with Alexandra cuz she is my best friend after all rightttt??.....well it turns out that she was still maintaining a more than good friendship with Anne. i didnt mind that tbh, until i noticed that they are hanging out more and more. eventually they even form a friend group with two other people... one is Alexandra's classmate Ella and the other one is this girl WITH ALMOST THE SAME NAME AS ME so lets call her Mary. these 4 hang out and go on trips and etc...

anyways, me and Alexandra still meet up and have fun so i guess it isnt that bad right?.....

well another time skip to february of this year and Alexandra is reaching out to me lesser and lesser. whenever i text her to hang out, she replies more than slowly, even tho she is active on instagram several times... also if i ask her when and where to meet, she is always like "yeah..idk.." like... im the only one actually trying here....

end of february/beginning of march: we meet at the mall. the moment i see her, i wanna throw up. like i genuinely got physically sick when i saw her. the whole day at the mall, i felt nauseous and i was kinda quiet. Alexandra asked me so many times "are you alright? did something happen? you are acting pretty weird, you are always so talkative:0"... so yeah i felt awful

on 12th march, it was my birthday. so many classmates wished me hbd from 12 to 2 IN THE MORNING. but not Alexandra... in fact, she texted me AT 1PM...  i felt hurt... i just felt like she doesnt care at all... like,, on her birthday i bought her her dream GUCCI perfume and a lana album...like no i wasnt asking for a huge gift or whatever, i didnt even threw a party, but the fact that so many people that i dont even talk to that much bothered to text me in the middle of the night while SHE, someone ive known for a decade, messaged me some crappy text much later (at least according to my standards...)

anyways, i felt horrible with all of this so i decided to write a reddit post seeking advice. someone told me i should just go and talk to her so yeah!! but first, i wanted to see if Alexandra will ask me to hang out herself - since im the one who always begins the conversation...

sooo march goes...nothing...april comes...nothing...

when its finally the spring holiday, i text her to hang out! we meet up and i actually felt good this time! not as good as last summer, but definitely decent compared to the last time. then something surprising happened: ALEXANDRA ASKED HERSELF TO GO WATCH A MOVIE! i was so so happy... but i was unavailable that day... but i didnt worry cuz i thought we will see it some other time...

well..almost two weeks later, i message her about this, and she says she had already saw it.......

i was like okay lets go somewhere else right?

she replied THE NEXT DAY: yeah.. idk where.. but i think im free this sunday

me: okkk lmk if you really are free this sunday and where you'd like to hang out, everything's good!

saturday comes..... no answer..... but TODAY, on sunday, she finally reached out and said to meet up.....AT THE MALL...............the same mall as that one time.....

i feel like i wanna throw up again.... i feel nauseous again....im literally on the verge of tears.... i feel like im getting some sort of deja vu... i wanna smash my head against the wall...

i wanna talk to her today about how i truly feel and stuff but what if i cant? it'll just be an awkward meeting.....

okay  so i think thhats it, this post didnt cover anything but whatever... i hurried a little cuz uhh in 40 minutes im supposed to be at the mall... sp yeah...

what im gonna do and ask:

1. why is she never texting me

2. why is she replying to me so slowly

3. ask if ive done something wrong

4. apologize a lot if ive done something wrong

5. ask her how is she feeling (about me, the whole situation)

6. ask if she hates me or dislikes me

7 . ask if she has bad mouthed me with Anne (its the same scenario from 7th grade all over again..)

8. tell her how much i appreciate her and how im genuinely happy to be friends with her

9. see if we're still be friends

idk if this is the correct order of how ill proceed but it doesnt matter, as long as we have this conversation.

sorry for the long post, im pretty sure its confusing too but i just wanna vent

wish me luck !!!🍀  bye...!! ill try to be more positive and confident in myself

ill probably ask my parents to take me to a psychologist after this... i feel like im too depressed