honestly, problably my last cry for help

Loneliness becomes more excruciating every day.  I gave up defending myself and the feeling is like having given up on living, on trying, on believing that I am worth defending and that my voice deserves to be heard.

 It hurts how he doesn't realize the things he does in the argument that hurt a lot, and it's horrible the feeling that I have no choice but to give in

 Every day that passes I defend myself less from life and I become more and more alone

 the will to be, to do, to exist are gradually disappearing

 I can't kill myself because I have my cats to take care of, and even though my parents are not good people, I feel that my existence was a very difficult burden for them and committing suicide will only be another inconvenience that they will have to bear for the rest of life

 I try to remember that it is also their first time existing and carrying the burden of a child who committed suicide cannot be easy, not even for the biggest narcissists.

 I don't feel that life is worth living and I believe that the best thing is to remove myself from the places, do enough to not cause discomfort and manage not to live too much to feel/cause pain to anyone

 I decided to speak here because no one will see, and because in the end there is no place or someone I can talk to and who will understand me.  I want to die because I no longer see life as something worthwhile, every day seems like an experience of cosmic horror

 I wanted to go back to being five years old and be loved again, not have the weight of having to stand on my own two feet and be able to believe that the world is a good place and I am worthy of love (or don't even wonder if i am worthy of love)

 every day I feel for a few minutes that the air disappears and I am swallowed by a despair that makes me cut my leg to make it stop.  I can't live like this anymore, I didn't imagine my twenties would be like this

 I'm destroyed.  I Don't want to live anymore.  I no longer want to try to be happy, I no longer want to hope that he will understand me without bias when we argue, I have a lifetime of experience with all the people I love accusing me of being a bad person, since I was a child my mother punished me for every wrong action I took, she always said how bad I was, called me a psychopath and accuse me of being possessed by a demon.  I don't know if such a horrible person would come to a place where no one cares to say how much everything hurts and suffocates and that I can't take it anymore.  I want to kill myself and end this evil that perpetuates itself within me.

 I can't kill myself, so I don't know how things will be anymore.  I think I'm going to withdraw as much as I can from life and reduce myself to the spectator waiting for the end of the film.  unfortunately I have a despair that when it is not externalized suffocates me and makes me want to die, so maybe I will write more of this in a notebook and use it as a relief to follow my path

 I need to stop hunting for love and accept that I wasn't made for this.  I can't be loved because I was born monstrous.  I don't deserve to be blessed with this happiness.  love will not transform someone who is shattered, my weakness makes me unworthy of this blessing. I'm a quitter, I can deal with that.

 I hope that in the end death will be soft and sweet and that it will bring with it the kindness that I have desired all my life.

I didn't read the things I wrote so it must be confusing and messy and with spelling mistakes, I don't intend to read it again