i cannot move on

as i said in a previous entry, on wednesday i fell asleep VERY EARLY. so i woke up in the middle of the night. 

it was about 3:40. i was waking up from a nightmare. in it, i was in a nightclub with some of my current friends and my mom for some reason. my mom went to the bathroom and my friends were just chatting. next, almost behind, the bathroom door, i noticed someone. it was my old friend...my FORMER friend, Irina. 

she had short hair just like the last time we used to hang out. she was wearing a quite revealing dress but i guess it was a fine choice of attire, considering the location. she noticed me but didnt say anything. i was the one who went to her. we said hi. i was like "so whats up. still got the short hair?". she looked really uninteresting. i think she responded with "yeah i do. im fine. everything's good. i guess." 

i cant remember what happened after. i only remember her uncomfortable face. i then understood she didnt want me talking to her. she didnt want being next to her. she didnt want me at all. she just looked as if she hated me. and she probably does. she still does.

i started to suffocate in the dream. i thought it's because of the things i wrote above - and who knows, maybe it kinda was? anyway, i then woke up. i also realised that the ac was on so it was really hot in my room. perhaps thats why i felt like suffocating.

im not the type of person that tries to understand their dreams or whatever. but this nightmare i had just got my attention. here are some thoughts:

- i guess it doesnt seem too much like a nightmare since nothing actually happened, but for me the name fits. after all, arent nightmares disturbing dreams?

- whenever i see an old classmate, im the one goes to them to say hi. they never come to me. i dont know why. i think we should be on good term. we did spend 9 nine years together after all.

- in my dream Irina had short hair. as i said, she had short hair when we used to be best friend. in the present time, whenever i see a picture of Irina with her now long hair, i cant help but think it's uncanny. perhaps thats why ive dreamed her like this? cuz im not used to how she looks like now?

- she was also wearing revealing clothes. my friends always comment on how inappropriate she dresses nowadays so maybe their comments made me dream her like that?

- she was alone. she was just sitting next to the bathroom doing nothing. when we fell off, ive told myself that she will always be alone because of the way she acts. i guess this was true in the dream...or maybe ive dreamed her lonely because thats how i see her? uhh this is so complicated

- ive realised that not even now - almost two years later - i cant move on. our friendship just destroyed me i guess. i dont even know why this is affecting me so much. to be honest, i cant even remember that well what exactly happened between us anymore...

- lastly, among the already discussed that fact i cant move on, i think there is another reason why i dreamed her. 

ive been having some problems with another friend: Alexandra. we got really close last year, at least thats how i want to think. in the last 4 months, we havent really talked or met up like we used to. in fact, she replies to my texts very slowly despite being online several times. she also hang out a lot with people that arent that fond of me.

what im trying to say its that im scared of our friendship turning like the one with Irina. the slowly texting while being active thing is something Irina did as the time moved on and we fell apart. Irina also apparently bad mouthed me to our whole friend group. what if Alexandra does the same with her friends?

in conclusion, i see my nightmare as a reminder of the relationship between Irina and me, and a warning for the friendship with Alexandra.

i feel so overwhelmed. i also should ask my parents to sign me up to therapy