big girl now

i’m seventeen now, i’ve grown i’m not the same anymore but i feel the same.

recently, on november 20th i got hit by a car when i was walking for a coffee smoothie. a group of older men, they seen me, they chose to hit me over 60 mph. i was laying on that road for two hours before someone decided to call 911. my jaw broke off my face, my skull was crushed, my elbow was crushed, i no longer have one it’s metal!! they’re amazed at how my brain is okay and how much mobility i have. i woke up from my coma talking and walking, they expected me to be paralyzed, not only did my jaw break off my face, but it split right in the middle, any deeper i would’ve been paralyzed from the neck down. i am thankful for the second chance i have at life. i died for a couple minutes i now have dents in my chest from the cpr they had to preform. i am so thankful. but i will not lie, that day i begged BEGGED for something to happen to me, i was planning to kill my self and i asked the universe for a sign. me and my boyfriend at the time fought before i got hit, we broke up literally right before i got hit. he was the best boyfriend ever. i was just not enough. the only positive outlet i’ve ever fucking had, the only person to actually LISTEN and get me, has seen all of me. my life ended on november 20th 2023. 

on june 3rd of 2023 i found out i was pregnant!! 10 weeks!! i was so happy. i finally got what i wanted since a child, i’ve always wanted to be a mother. nothing more. me and my boyfriend was shppping, getting ready for the baby, planning names, planning everything. on july 15th we were watching planet of the apes on his bed, he made dinner, we had cheesecake :) it was a very very beautiful day, in the middle of the movie i went to the bathroom. i go to pee, and all i see is blood. everywhere. stained the new clothes my boyfriend bought me. i go back to the room trying to calm down, i tell my boyfriend and he’s also trying to calm down and even trying to calm me down, we send a photo of the blood to my mother who’s a nurse, we were expecting a good answer. but instead my mother said “i’ll be there in 10” as soon as i seen that i broke down. i couldn’t. i could already feel that baby wasn’t alive, we go to the hospital, had me in the waiting room for four hours. we go back, an hour of questions and bloodwork, they come to my room, started off with bullshit like get to the point is my baby alive?? they tell me i was having a miscarriage, from my blood that apparently changed from o positive to RH- blood. all i could hear was the fact that i failed. my body failed. they tell me there’s no way for me to carry a child naturally unless it has the same rare blood i have. i went numb, i no longer wanted to be around anyone, not my mother not my boyfriend, no one. i felt dumb for believing i was gonna have that baby. i still hold their toys i brought my baby boy, i still hold his clothes i really wanted that baby. as i went home with my boyfriend, we were both crying all day all night, it was so hard to deal with. we were both young yeah but we really really wanted to see that little soul. i thought it was bad til i go to the bathroom and all i feel is that fetus coming out of me, all i seen was that fetus who was supposed to be a person. MY little human. everything i wanted. i had it in my hand. i was so distraught but i kept fighting for my life for my future kids life, in my head i thought if that soul didn’t want to be here now then maybe it would if i got my shit together so i tried in life. and i tried to make sure the plan me and my ex had at the time would follow thru. i really wanted it too. but the week before i got hit by a car, i will admit i wasn’t the best girlfriend i was just scared he didn’t want me. but it was too much for him, i was very controlling and belittled him i thought it would make him stay. i regret it so bad im so fucking dumb. but anyway the week before i got hit, we broke up, i felt a change, like it was really over that time, he was talking to girls, seemed like he got bored of my shit. but a week later on the 20th we were hanging out, on his chest i just stare, i studied that man. i really studied that man’s face, and his body, every inch, every mole, every scar, the facial expressions he’d make at the video game, everything. something in my head was telling me it was the last time id ever see him again. it wasn’t lying. the last time we’d feel eachother, the last time of feeling safe in his arms. 

now, a family was everything i wanted but when i had that miscarriage i no longer seen myself with a kid. i didn’t want one after that. if it happened then it happened. i started training for the marines getting my body straight, i signed up, i was really going to go i really wanted too. the only thing i looked forward to in my life. when i woke up from that coma i was bummed i could no longer join the marines. Again, everything i wanted, i couldn’t have.

i couldn’t even be the victim of my own fucking story, my parents kept talking about how THEY felt and how my FAMILY felt about ME getting hit by that car. they weren’t the ones that had to stay in that hospital, body eating at ur heart, mouth wired, feeding tube down ur nose, a new arm you have to get used too, a big swollen head with no teeth to look at everytime u go piss, having random people bathe you, seeing you naked seeing you at ur lowest, it was embarrassing. it was humiliating. i felt judged. 

it has been 7 months, still no charges against those men, still nothing. everytime i go to the cops they don’t help me, i have MULTIPLE rape cases still open ??? all my cases are open. i was trying in life, yk the whole “fuck this i got myself” mindset, these past two months, i gave up on life. shit i just lay in bed, i don’t eat, i don’t do anything but stare at my wall. i don’t see a point in trying in the world when it doesn’t even help you. why help, why be nice to everyone when no one fucking cared for me those two hours i was on that road, dying. i am a very happy person a very optimistic person, but ever since that, i just can’t. i can no longer put out positive energy, words, or actions into the world when it gives me back tragedy. 

i don’t know what to do with my life. i don’t want to do anything. i’m angry they saved me, i had a way out. 

the only thing i’ve ever wanted was to be a kid with a childhood a NORMAL childhood. i acted fast and mature for my age, i had too, i had to be my own parent i had to be my own friend i’ve had no one, i still do. all i’ve ever had was myself and now i’m about to turn 18 idk what to do no ID never had one, no birth certificate, no ssn, no nothing idk where to start i don’t want to be an adult, i wish i was a baby, at least my parents actually liked me then. 

i’ve asked for help, i’ve asked. so many times. idk why they never helped me. the only time they helped me was that miscarriage and when i got hit by that car. they wouldn’t even take me the doctors when i was throwing up BLOOD, the ogbyn when my uterus was hurting. they’d “help” by taking me to get hospitalized whenever i tried killing myself. how come people help you when it’s to late? how come i help everyone and no one can help me until im dying. 

i really just want a break. i really really want the love and care i give out not even romanticly. but i realize i am everything i want im not going to find it in someone else. But fuck. why.