i fucked up

i had a shitty day yesterday. yesterday, i got a speeding ticket, which btw is complete bogus. it was just giving me so much anxiety and anger. i dont have money, im broke, and i just got a parking ticket last month. and i couldnt even be proactive about it becuase i didnt know how much it costed yet. the last thing i remember was getting in my car and looking for my cigarettes, and then my memory cuts and i was on the 110 right outside of down town LA. and something happened, i was on another freeway near hollywood, and, before i say this, im trying to come out of a self harm addiction. i have only cut like 1 time this whole year and i only made like 7 cuts. thats really good for me. well, i broke my streak cuz i dont know where i got it but there was a razor in my pocket and i just started cutting my arm open. honestly, it really took the edge off (no pun intended LOL!) and made me forget about all the shit with the ticket. then my memory cuts again and im on a building. i dont know what building, but i remember it must have been somewhere in Pasadena because after my memory blurs AGAIN, i remember passing by the colorado street bridge. and i remember this view. it was beautiful. you could see LA in the distance i think, there were citylights tucked into this valley that the fog had settled into. the sky was a dusky twilight purplish blue that you could barely see. i cant remember much but i wish i could. then my my memory blurs again, i remember flashing lights, and i remember collapsing on my bed. this morning i only counted 14-15 cuts which is still pretty good! but it still means i broke my streak. im not really feeling the same anxiety anymore and i feel in control. i think i was manic.

so um, i guess i do get triggered after all, heheh.