trouble making friends (the age old problem)

i know im not alone in this and im gna try 2 not act like i am. now w/ the new age of the internet, the new regulations, and the rising loneliness epidemic¹ especially among young people my age... its rough making friends.

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ever since middle school, ive felt as if my social health has slowly tumbled down a hill that is more like a never ending mountain in the middle of the world w/ a myriad of sick ups and downs. one moment, ill feel like ive found my true best friend, and the next ill feel like i have no friends at all. ive often question what it means 2 be friend and how 2 have a friend. only so many episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic² can help me.

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i think 1 of my 'best' friends Sally³ is the best example i can give of these ups and downs. I've know Sal 4 about a year now as i was a 2023 freshman and she was a sophomore. I dont rlly remember the logistics behind us being friends, only that my table at breakfast in the cafeteria is already full & i feel 2 woozy in the morning 2 stand still and pay attention 2 multiple people at once. 1 day, i sat next 2 her, a mutual friend half-introduced us, and we got 2 chatting. chatting at breakfast eventually expanded into chatting and joking in our shared first period. its all blurry from there, but we eventually found our groove.

maybe half of the reason i question how much Sally rlly likes me is because of how jumpy and defensive she is. i mean, if you do startle her, one of her first instincts is 2 fight. she's also explained 2 me that she sometimes doesnt know how 2 react 2 physical affection and feels guilty 4 often being dry or cold in that regard. other times, i feel like its me. i dont usually stay friends w/ someone like Sally, but shes js so cool and talented and beautiful and determined and kind /p, i cant help myself and end up crawling back 2 that breakfast table no matter how many times she accidently hits me⁴ or only texts 'omg yeah' and nothing else during text conversations.

Shes wonderful and we have a lot of laughs and it makes me grin like an idiot every time i see her smile but... loneliness does leave a chronically online man vulnerable. which brings me back 2 the source of this reoccurring agony. i dont have many friends i trust. i dont talk 2 anyone about my current problems. i dont tell anyone about how much i love horror movies or zombies or any interests i have. im so... alone.

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ive never had an incredible history w/ friends, online and in person. 2 many online friends freak me out and cause me 2 shut down or start a new account 2 be away from the noise. 2 many in person friends make me feel hopelessly alone and inadequate, like everyone has their favorites and im not one of those favorites.

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which is why i revisited SpaceHey. Snapchat and Discord were 2 loud and overwhelming. and while SpaceHey isnt overwhelming, it isnt exactly captivating. though, i think i blame that on my lack of knowledge w/ the site. i should rlly find a SpaceHey tutorial on how 2 make friends that isnt doomscrolling 'Browse' and finding nobody w/ my special interests. either way, in the words of R from the movie Warm Bodies 2013⁵, ' 'I'm lonely, I'm lost. I mean I'm literally lost, I've never been in this part of the airport before.' '

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its rough making friends. and i guess half of this blog was pointless venting about nothing important, but the point im trying to make here is that i need help. i need help making friends and ill take any advice anyone is willing to bestow upon me. 

1|| New Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States - www.hhs.gov

2|| Every episode is a new lesson about friendship.

3|| Not a real name.

4|| it actually doesnt hurt that bad since she usually catches herself last second. she also has never purposefully hurt me once, unlike other 'friends' i have.

5|| Warm Bodies (film) - en.wikipedia.org