not dead yet but it sure feels that way.

lifes been pretty shit i guess. heres an update on all things

i never actually know how to start up these blogs, i always try giving it a title first then writing but my writing never matches my title so i wind up changing it. sorry thats irrelevant. ive been thinking of picking up some new books, and hobbies, yk little shit. ive got some recs for what books i should read, theres been a bunch of them that people would tell me about but i never got to them, id like to read and try to comprehend what they felt when reading that very same book. its raining out right now, i think about people a lot being locked up so much. ive had a lot of time to think about things and people that i normally wouldnt, interactions i had with them, their uniqueness and little mannerisms that would take place when talking/ moving. ive been thinking of getting a tattoo, my girlfriend has a tattoo gun and shit, but thatll be later because shes practicing before she does it on my skin haha. until then ive got plenty of time to brainstorm ideas of what i want. one thing that really pissed me off was my parents fucking up my entire phone so thats lovely. im no longer active on instagram or tumblr or anything because they i literally dont know what the fuck they did man everythins just fucked up now i think i have to delete my entire everything i  dont know how to explain it. to say i havent been doing the greatest is an understatement. and i dont want my girlfriend to think its her fault because it isnt, its just me man. im never fucking happy and it sucks. i like art, and i want to animate, but ive just been saying that because theres no way to actually make my animation aspirations become a reality. i dont know what i should start with, where i should put myself out there, who to talk to, how to learn, i dont even own an ipad or anything of the sorts to even get started. but at the same time i guess its not that big of a deal. i havent really cared a whole bunch about anything really. i dont care to know what anyones doing or what anyone has to say, my days are bland and uneventful. but its like i cant be taken as this sad sap of shit you know? i stopped telling people things because its just too much energy. i havent even talked to my best friend in about a month. i ''forget'' to respond to every person in my contacts until days or even weeks later. when something happens in my day the only person who knows about it is my girlfriend, and ive even been feeling too tired to talk back to her too recently. i hate my house and i hate the alcohol in it, i hate the adderall my dad gives me because it makes me function properly and i literally feel like a robot, but without it i do nothing and i procrastinate and waste my day away, but thats the thing, am i really wasting my days by doing nothing when my days have no meaning to begin with? its like nothing means anything to me anymore, and i used to be filled with so much light and energy and love and now theres nothing left. isnt that fucking depressing?? i cant have mental breakdowns without my mom walking in demanding to know the problem when the problem is where i lay my head, its whom is standing right in front of me its the food i dont eat its the air thats polluted under this roof. its home, home is my issue. with that being said, my other issue is home being an issue. yk? i need a big black eye i feel like i need to be sucker punched in the face, but not sure why i feel this way. i miss my friends and even my so called enemies. i just miss people.

river out