Libertine

TW: SA, RAPE, ABUSE, ANIMAL DEATH, 18+ ONLY PLEASE

One of my only poems I consider content warning worthy, based off of my experiences with love growing up.

Grab me tight,

hold me close.

As you lean in once more

pull my teeth free- 

then stuff them back in

so deep they pierce

sinew.

My nasal cavity

bumped and itchy,

rigid

and drooling blood

deep into my esophagus.

I inhale blood.

Deeper.

My stomach.

You love to stuff me,

stuff me full.

You stuff me

with your skin,

your flesh,

your love,

you stuff me with blood.

The nasal whistle rings clear to me

as I bend in submission once more;

bash my head in with the door;

scream at me;

yell at me;

your lungs are peaking

my eyes are wide and in the end?

I survive

survive,

survive,

survive,

survive.

When you held me,

I'd vomit and cry,

I'd go slack in your arms;

holding me down

to see the piles of rot in your yard.

The dead animals,

organs splayed

full of ants;

infected with rot.

Did you want to join them?

I do.

As soon as you arrived;

as soon as you let yourself into my home

without my permission

to violate my body

soul

heart

mind;

after you irreplaceably changed me.

You were gone.

Then it was him,

the gentle lover he was,

stuffing me full of his love.

No violence,

love as thick as

mash and cream.

"Do you like that?

You move now.

You move now.

If its good then show me."

Like a decade old puzzle,

not in my mind.

What do I find there?

Three o' clock PM.

How gentle,

how gentle,

sit me down

explain it to me,

how gentle.

Thumbs digging into my stomach,

spreading me painfully open

once more.

On the floor,

the couch,

the stairs,

the wall,

the mirror,

wood plaster

plastic rock;

fat body.

Disgusting, body

pressing into mine. 

Sweat rolling from your brow;

I stare up at you

watching them fall from your face

into my mouth.

Stuffing me with love.

Everyone loves me!

That's why they all stuff me with love!

Everyone

everyone!

All the boys,

all the girls,

they hold my body to their chest

and command me so

and they love me

they love me!

Do I love them?

Well; I can't say.

A smile that's bitter,

bile in my throat.

Yes;

hold my hand;

hold me close.

Oh?

You want a kiss?

You want a hug?

Oh well;

of course;

oh?

You want to give me cigars?

You want to give me weed?

Pills?

Oh please.

What?

Oh?

"Love?"

Love me?

A curdled smile,

turning away

tossing my bus ticket with it,

no need for sentimentality

with someone as disgusting as you.

Nobody is different,

no connection can rectify this.

Your "love" is selfish,

you want to chew me like beef.

A sickly sweet milk

poured down my throat

only tolerable

if not decorated with

promises you wont keep.

I can't stand the taste of it,

the gentle love that comes

on the same coin as hatred.

A humiliation I can't stand;

that stupid song and dance.

Love,

love,

love.

If you really loved me

you'd chew me up,

spit me out,

and leave me

with no fuss. 

No promises;

no future.