nearly failed,,, TW:MILD SH

 I nearly killed myself, I've been feeling so down, so bad and I cant get better, I made a post about how Im feeling and vented out in it, I can't tell anyone how Im feeling, but I want someone to know and save me, but also want no one to know and help me, it's a mess what Im feeling, I can't also tell my family and my parents, they only see the bad in me, I could maybe tell my siblings but they left home and I dont want them to be part of the problem i have on myself and our home, the'yre also struggling and left and now have their own problems, I dont want to be a burden to anyone, so earlier, my mind is clear im going to hang myself after my mom left home, and I told my brother to not visit me, but something snapped in me, me and my mother argued, she said something that pissed me off, I began destroying things that i have in my hands, I got a thick wooden stick in my hand break it in many parts, and that not enough i began punching our hard wooden walls, i dented it and break it, resulting in bleeding of my knuckles and wooden splinters deep in my meat, also i feel like my pinky knuckle broke, its swollen and began turning slightly red and such, i unconsciously said my plan of killing myself, i began hitting myself and overall just having a breakdown throwing tantrum, i was crying, i felt guilt, i felt bad, i regret everything, but i cant stop myself during that, fast forward, my brother visited me cause my mom said what happened to him, im back at feeling numb and emotionless, so faking my emotion and clowning myself is easy, i was asked by my brother if im okay, i replied joking yes and that im so very alive, im sure they know that its bothering my actions cause ive been like that for so long and it gets out of hand, but i also feel like they dont take it seriously, like its just a sudden burst of emotions leading me like that, but idk, i think thats better, but really, im clowning myself for a long time, in the end, i didnt tell them about my problems, they remained hidden and they have no idea of the bad news about me coming in their way to surprise them, which surely will flip the table, and im fcked, may God give me another chance to prove myself, ill be patient, ill do my best to stop killing myself and hurting people, i want to die leaving them no problems and hatred towards me, i beg.