Sadness is an addiction

It feels like I often find myself in situations where I almost want to feel upset because I have been for such a long time. It’s like I seek for that feeling of misery because for so long I’ve felt numb and nothing at all due to bottling everything up but the truth is there’s not much wrong with my life. I live a fairly normal life, I go to a school where I rarely feel anxious as my classmates don’t really bully me and even if they did it’s probably as small as talking behind my back. On weekends I either stay at home or go out somewhere once in a while. I constantly feel lonely but I know I have a family and a small amount of friends who care about me so I’m not exactly alone but I still feel like rubbish. I want to get out of this but I’d rather drown in it instead. Sometimes I watch coming of age films to satisfy my craving for experience’s I’ll never have, the desire for a group of friends you could rely on and young romance. It all seems so wonderful to me but I know the world hasn’t looked that bright in years unless you’ve been looking at the world through yellow tinted sunglasses. I choose to listen to sad music when I could listen to something more upbeat and I guess I still do but on nights like these it seems that only the strum of an acoustic guitar could help me wind down. Sometimes I view myself as a depressed poet except I don’t actually write poems, I write journal entries and blogs like these. I’ve not actually been clinically diagnosed with depression but I’m sad all the time so I guess depression in this context is used more as an exaggeration of that rather than what it actually is but who knows, maybe I am depressed in some way. But does a diagnosis really matter? I don’t want them to give me pills, I’ll lose myself although I guess at this point I already have somehow, maybe more so in the sense that I have no idea who I am anymore. Am I a bad person or do my undesired thoughts not count due to the fact that I acknowledge they are wrong? But sometimes some of them do reflect on how I feel so which one’s the truth? It’s all so confusing, being in your head a lot takes a toll on you. I don’t want to live here anymore.