thoughts on nostalgia

You know that feeling, when you start to hate the place you're currently in and you start to think about your past? I bet you do. We all have been there at least once in our life. We usually get nostalgic when we need some kind of closure, we reach for those faint memories and sometimes we romantisize what we have expierienced. It makes me think that maybe humans are never satisfied with their lifes? I mean, some probably are, but majority of us struggle with mindfullness (or maybe I'm just looking through my own approach).

When I do tarot readings for people, they always want to know about future or present. Funny thing is that the past will always creep itself to those readings, as if it doesn't want to be forgoten, just becouse it's no longer usefull for a person. Past can and usually is painful, but obviously can be pleasant and happy.

Lately I found myself thinking about my past. Mainly about the bad things I've experiance during my teenagehood. I think about people I knew, about my best friend who now I no longer have anything to talk to, besides university and the past. I tried to reconect with friends from middle school or highschool but somehow it never really works out for a long run. We're no longer at the place where we can bond over. The only thing that ties us is the past. It sadly happens.

I also think how I have noone to talk or hang out when I visit my home town. My house is 10 minutes by car away from the main city but still... I think about the possibility of me returning for summer (I'll be moving out since I'm applying for Erasmus) and I get sad thinking that I don't have anyone that would care about me enought to hang out with. I could text my best friend but what bugs me is that I always was the one to reach out first and ask for a hangout, she never did and even when we don't ended up on bad terms, I have no idea why she doesn't feel the need to reciprocate.

I look at my old photos, when I had bleached hair, braces and was fakely happy. I rewatch few times that interview I did for a local TV station, and I examin the tired and sad eyes I tried to hide away from the camera. I look at pictures when I was still in contact with him, and I wonder what he really saw in me. I look at photos of my cat and I cry wishing he didn't got sick and pass away last summer. I used to take a lot of pictures of building, sky and random things. I don't do that anymore as I'm in such a rush I rearly even take pictures of myself anymore. I read my past blogs, trying to relive that times when I took part in various fun events in middle school. I also read my vent blog I had during higschool that was the only place I could find a release for my sadness.

What's interesting is that I also look at my recent pictures, stories and journal entries. I recall those happy and sad memories and I think about how much I learned and grew. I don't like those moments when I know I'm going through a "lesson" but at the same time I know it's just a temporarly uncomfortable feeling and I'll learn something about myself thanks to that.

Sometimes I have a huge emotional realease because of pent up stress. I cry. I cry hard like I usually don't. And I grieve. I grieve my childhood, my past, my depression, my pain, my relationships. I think it's very needed for me to have those moments, but they always have to happen for a reason.

I don't feel like checking any typos now as it's very late and I just wanted to throw my thoughts somewhere.

What are your thoughts about nostalgia?