The Push

Well. I told C I would wait to test with him. I definitely lied, unintentionally. I couldn't help it though. I'm excited and nervous. It's 3am and I am wide awake. I took two pregnancy tests. One fancy one, one cheap one. I've been taking them all week. I've probably wasted a hundred dollars out of desperation to know before he or anyone else does. They were all negative by the way. So... Let's unpack. 

At this moment I don't know what to wish for. P knows I want another baby, but not with him. I've told him this since I had his child. He was awful to me and even more awful to the baby. He's an atrocious human being. C is an incredible person, but I haven't known him that long, so there's a dilemma there too. I would say he could be awful, however he doesn't seem to be too disingenuous. I suppose I'm scared that if I'm not pregnant that C will move forward to the next shiny object, or realize that he has a good woman in his life somewhere else and he just needs to knock her up to keep her. Queue his exit. 

Still, I want to be that good woman. I've considered the consequences to my existing child heavily. C is just a better man. He's a better example. He is healthier, he is cleaner, he has better values. My state does not allow for divorce while pregnant. I found out I was pregnant the day after I asked P for a divorce and have spent the last two years fighting to keep P from killing my child out of stupidity and neglect. With C, this wouldn't be an issue at all. I think I might actually get a good night's sleep knowing my baby isn't at risk. I'm currently an insomniac for the sake of my baby. Every second of lost sleep is worth it though. 

I think I convinced myself I wasn't desperate, but the deeper I get into this, the more I feel like I am. C is just incredible and I would be so lucky to have him in my life. My son and I would be lucky to have him around. I'm head over heels for him. I'm utterly obsessed. I worry he will leave, but my desire to have his baby simply because I love who he is as a descent human being outweighs it. 

So I'll just sit here surrounded by my negative tests. I know I'm not pregnant, I can feel it. Delusion keeps me hoping though. Hoping I can still get pregnant. Hoping that I am pregnant. Hoping for a way out and a chance to get away. Waiting on "that push". Gods hand pushing my life in a healthier direction. I guess I will know in a week if all else fails.