dear god,

dear god

if there even is a god

i refuse to believe in it

even when my legs are too numb to feel the wood beneath them 

and my vision is blurry with tears

and my mind is too full its almost empty

so i dont even hear my own prayers

i dont believe in a god

because if god heard me, it did not listen.

god was no different from my father. 

where was faith to be found then?

faith wasnt at the top of the concrete stairs, nor when i hit the bottom

faith wasnt under my skin, no matter how much i bled

faith wasnt in the mirror no matter how my reflection morphed faith wasn’t under my nails no matter how much i chewed faith wasn’t at the bottom of that bottle faith wasn’t in my cold pillow after a long night faith wasn’t in my mothers smile faith wasn’t in my headphones even if the music was loud enough to drown me faith wasn’t in those pills faith never showed faith lied to me if there ever was faith if there ever was god why didnt god listen?

must i throw my dignity away to a traumatic tale for mercy? what about the tale of god is any different from mine? 

but to throw my beginning away for your eternal existence?

id rather burn in the very fire i prayed to put out

id rather burn than dare to ever sacrifice my devotion for some greedy bastard who did nothing but take and pray to me for my gratitude 

god is no different from my mother.

maybe there was faith at some point, maybe i held faith in my little hands, crying in my crib as god tore it from me

and ever since i learned to walk with two broken legs, the name of god meant nothing.

god stands no higher than the young man whom it will watch die young at the very hands god claimed to have created

god is no greater than the poor girl whom it did not think twice of as it allowed her to be robbed of her fair skin to the rough claws of a beast of which god boasted over sculpting with its own ugly hands. she also had something stolen from her, laying passed out on his couch

god never learned to walk

if god ever existed, it was no better than man

maybe in another life id burn myself at the stake for the mercy of the man who lay cold on his apartment floor, or for the girl who will awaken and never forget the last place she ever felt clean being that couch, god did not listen. god is a spoiled dog with endless chewtoys. maybe i could have given up, maybe i could have pretended to save myself and held your hand. but not here

because here i am as bitter as your eternally sharpened fangs 

i am angry at you, “god”

you dont deserve to hold mercy over my head

i want back what i never got

but i will not jump to reach it

keep the world in your claws for all i care

but you will not keep me

because if there was a god

i hope it can hear me when i say

i hate you

ill say it on my knees with my scarred hands held to the ceiling of my dimly lit room if that means you will hear it

i hate you

how dare anyone ask me to praise you

to thank you, to love you

to believe in you

you never did half of that for me

if you exist, you are no different from the concrete floor at the bottom of the stairs

you are no different from the edge of my blade or my broken mirror or my mothers smile or the last drop of liquor in the bottle

dear man,

you are no different from me

and i hate you

amen