The Sobering Reality of a Healthy Dose of Jealousy

Her. 

I'm not the jealous type, but he won't seem to move. He says he wants to leave her. He says she's not the one. That he worships the ground I walk on. That he would do anything, be anything, to have me. Yet he spends his time making plans and seeing them through with her. 

My situation is admittedly more complicated than his. He can just move out. He can just up and leave at any time. I can't. Which gives to the lingering question that anyone in my situation would ask.... Why is he so eager to stay somewhere he "hates"? Some place that "isn't healthy" for him? With a woman who "would make a shitty Mom"? 

He's comfortable. He won't talk to me about it, but he is still very much in love with her and I bet if she told him she would have his babies, he would stay. The only difference between me and her is that she doesn't want kids. Meanwhile I just might be full of his, while he's out with her. Today he "joked" (heavy on the air quotes) about T taking care of my baby after I have it. This week he also brought up the three of us being a thing, so she could help with the baby. 

I think he's a liar. I think he's a sex addict. I think he's trying to get a baby out of me because she doesn't like child birth. That's what I think. Let's give it another week and a half and see what happens. Fingers crossed I'm not pregnant. I think I got played for a baby. He thinks he can have it all, but bitch I do not play like that. 

I am at the depths of my self loathing. I'm a fool. An idiot. Worst of all I'm just sad. A sad, sad person. 

I need to get some kind of promotion and GTFO of whatever the fuck this is. When he is truly single and living on his own, no strings, no other bitches, maybe we can work something out. Until then, I don't want him coming anywhere near me. He holds authority over me at work though, so I'm kind of totally fucked. I'm never going to promote without his good word and approval. If I tell him no, I lose my good graces. I might as well just quit and run away like the stupid home wrecking whore that I am. I was already in the midst of a divorce to begin with, so my guilt is less on my part towards my soon to be ex partner, and more on the part of his. He told me he was in an open relationship and I don't even know if that's true. Seems highly unlikely the closer I get to everything. 

He's waiting on my divorce to finalize, so we can move in together. Son of a bitch just might be a "Mexican jumping bean"... Jumping from relationship to relationship just for a place to stay. Using people. Grifting. I don't know. 

What I do know is this. I really fucking hope I'm not pregnant. That's all.