life update: 10% less depressed

i was really in a bad place when i wrote that last blog post and things have changed so here's a life update for the ghosts 

the thought of texting fish first hadn't really occurred to me, because i was so caught up in my anger and hurt that i didn't want to apologize. but eventually i realized that apologizing - since i was rude to him, and he hurt me - was probably a good move. it took me a lot of time and a lot of draft paragraphs, and support from a friend until i texted him, but when i did, he replied right away. i sent all my apologies and he apologized too, and told me i was right to be mad but apologizing helped me realize how i was in the wrong just as much as he was. we were both kinda flirting, but the convo ended with me being a little upset. it wasn't for any good reason, he just needed to sleep and i wanted to keep talking. but i couldn't be that mad - my reason was stupid and the fact we talked again had me so happy. we talked for hours for a lot of days, but when he was at school, the convos would shorten which is fine. this is fine but having severe anxiety and being an overthinker makes it hard for me to not miss him so much when he leaves considering i am very attached. 

either way, there's been enough flirting lately for me to know that things are fine between us. i did upset him earlier today - he was treating me like a kid and i got mad. he ended the convo with, "mhm" and i cried before apologizing again. it makes me feel like i literally cannot do anything right. 

he's still sleeping but i don't think he's gone without saying goodnight, and that he loves me, so that's a positive. in short, things are fine, but this was a lot harder for me than it sounds. i can't comprehend the fact he could actually love me so that is not so fun. 

on the other hand, i'd rather talk to him that anyone else. most of my friends are assholes, but there is this one bitch. so let's get into that!

this girl, who we'll codename whale, because that's what she's built like - a whale. she's been off with me all of the first term at school, and i did call her out on it, but she didn't really talk to me afterwards. 

for the first two days back, she was acting the way she used to - like my friend. a part of me knew it was fake, she was being too nice out of nowhere. but i match her energy. on the third day back, she's acting like her old self again, rude for no reason. 

we had the last class of the day together, and when i participated in this class, she calls me a slut. (context: we were at pe and i tagged my friend. whale calls me a slut). 

initially, i was just mad about that, but seeing somebody on my snapchat account later, i just assumed it was her. i went onto hers, and saw what she named me as. 

so i have two accounts, as a closeted person - one male account and one female account. she has me named as 

tw for those who need it, slurs 

tranny on one, and faggot on the other. now at first, i felt sick. but it's slightly funny. 

when i'm mad, i'm just mad. when she's mad, she runs to snapchat and changes my names to slurs i'm used to, so why would they bother me at this point? i can't even see that she changed my nickname, but sure, whale. that'll show em!

anyway, i'm just glad i have fish. (i think)

whale needs to get over herself, but i don't imagine anyone will want to be her friend out of highschool anyway. so who really cares?

ice hockey season starts in about 10 days, so i'm excited for that.

one last thing - her naming me that feels like a dream in my mind. a tiny part of me thinks i imagined it even though i know i didn't. so that's weird! 

whatever