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Me and a friend were having a talk about two of their characters and we struck on the subject of resentment in contrast with love.
He told me that his OC, I'll call them OS(older sister) and YB(younger brother) for now, OS has a resentment toward YB because much of YB's behavior caused OS to miss out on many opportunities in life, from school, to social, to work, etc etc. But he also stated that OS still loves YB of course because he's her younger brother.
I immediately saw this as conflicting information, to me I think it's impossible to resent someone and still love them.
But then I had to start thinking about why I think that...
I'll clean up what I told them here:
- To me, with resentment you think that person is a weight on you that you don't want. That that person is impairing on your life.
And loving someone involves willingly bearing that weight or not seeing them as one.
Like I don't mean doing everything for everyone to keep them stable.
I mean, loving someone involves not seeing them as a chore to be dealt with when problems to occur, but as someone you want to help.
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Resentment at its core definition is far different from that,
it's just thinking you've been treated unfairly.
but I think the definition of love also complicates this.
like thinking about it now I know that Dave (one of my characters, the son is refereed to as Dave, his dad is David, sorry if that confusing.) resents his father for not being there, but he still holds on to and wishes his father was there. I wouldn't say that he loves David for being David. Dave loves the idea of having a father who could be actually there for him.
That's not what usual familial love should be, you should be able to admire people for who they are instead of just their position.
Dave doesn't love David because he resents him for not being the father he could love.
if any of that makes sense...
This is what I see in OS,
OS resents YB because YB can't be the younger brother she loves.
That isn't loving YB... its loving his role he's meant to fill in her mind.
and on a side note I'm sure lulu still loves Shen like she would any other of her fellow human beings but that's base level love.
its not the kind we account for usually when we (or at least I) say love.
shrugs! this conversation is actually currently in progress now, so I might edit it as it continues if I feel the need, but maybe not.
Do you feel a similar way? Should the definition of love have restraints to it and why? in what ways? Do you think it would benefit people to have a better understanding of what they consider love?
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spiderlegs residence
i try to keep in my mind that love isn't necessarily good, not in like, an edgy "ooh, love is just a chemical reaction" way, because obviously any "chemical reaction" that makes you care a bout a family that is, on it's own merits, not that great, or makes you want to spend you're entire life with a person who's completely different from you is an incredibly beautiful, magical thing, more in the sense that love, like rage, or joy, or sorrow, is a big... thing. like, it's such a vague term, it can encompass so many terms. love wants what every feeling wants, to be felt. to break things until it manages to gain its real goal, which is expressing itself.
my siblings are foster children. they've been very deeply hurt by the misconception that bad love isn't real love, that it's something else. no, their grandmother loved them. just in a bad way. she hurt them an awful lot, and she deserves to be hated for that, but she loved them.
but then, sometimes it really is just something else pretending to be love. it depends.
there really are so many ways to think about this
the most difficult part about it.
I think when I think about love I think about it more in the gushy way that the word love represents you having a deep connection with someone, but not necessarily the emotion feeling.
But yeah! I agree that feeling love for someone doesn't necessarily mean you do good things as a result, I guess I just haven't thought about it as a feeling dependent on the person in a while.
by PrinceStone.°‧★; ; Report
NeverNcolor_13
I don't think it should have restraints. With that being said, I think familial love can be a little bit different at times. I might harbor some resentment towards a family member, but I'd still do anything for them/always provide? Maybe it's not love and just duty. Love is dynamic and everchanging. At one point you might harbor resentment and maybe down the line you don't. Does that mean you just started loving them after the resentment went away?
Hmm, that's interesting.
I'm not sure,
It very much depends on the situation but if I was going to continue using character examples,
in the AU I'm writing right now Dave eventually reconnects with his father.
I think when this happens is Dave loving him as both his father and the person filling that role.
I really like what you said,
The someones connections with another definitely can change a lot over time,
and I think familial love defiantly complicates things.
Relationships with family are basically only relationships you're expected to have from birth. When you're born you're expected to have this love for your parents as they're expected to have this love for you.
That's why I separate the role from the person.
It's interesting to think about though, because I would say if someone wouldn't love another if they didn't have this predetermined relation to them then then they don't truly love that person. But does that necessarily discredit any love or care you feel for that person?
Is the expectation wrong in the first place that love and care should only be expected from family? rather than something like your community in general?
And this also brings the question if loving someone for the role they're supposed play in your life discredits that love as well.
This all most definitely depends on the person though, this is just how I personally perceive it and process my own feelings about this stuff.
That was a lot of questions and I'm not sure if much of this made sense, I'm just trying to get my thoughts out as they pop in my head.
by PrinceStone.°‧★; ; Report