entry-9

april 28th, 2024

my mom hasn't tried to reach out at all in like 2 months and I thought it didn't bother me at first but I think now that I just don't like to feel hurt because I feel like a fool 

I didn't talk to my mother for a very long time and just over this past year we were actually having conversations and improving our relationship

I just don't like the fact that she thinks she can decide when she wants me in her life and me just be ok with that.

I have 3 little brothers and as much as i'm glad they have a mom to raise them(not that I'm 100% she's doing well with that) I wish she could've done that for me. why couldn't my mother take care of me? why am I not lovable enough?

I haven't seen my mom in 6 years I think? and if it was gonna be like this I wish she had just left me alone. I can't keep doing the in and out of my life bullshit and just let myself be ok with it every single time. i'm fine after a while and I heal bc that's the way it is, but when she decides to come and go again it just cuts that wound right back open. 

when I was younger I had nothing but resentment and anger for my mother and I really thought I hated her, but as i've gotten older I've grown to in a sense understand why she is the way she is. I'm glad i've gained compassion for her while still not excusing her from it.  I feel for her but I cannot forgive her.

she hurt me physically and emotionally, made me feel dirty, unwanted, unloved, and now I have to spend my life trying to unlearn that.

also may is coming up so lets hope I don't spiral