An interesting thought

Today I hung out with my best friend. Thats not all that related to my thought, what is related is something he said as he drove me home. I thought it was funny that he was getting into a lot of the things baby queer me loved in middle school. I told him being queer in middle school is miserable (because it was, its horribly toxic and degrading for the most part), but he told me wanted to experience it. Only recently has he realized that he's gay.

It made me think about my own experience with queer identity. How did I even get to this point? 

From the age of like, 12, I knew I wasn't straight. While I didn't fully understand the weight or context of sexual or romantic attraction, I knew that I wasn't straight. Its hard to explain. For awhile, I labeled myself as pan. I simply thought that I had the capacity to love everyone, and subconsciously I probably didn't want to consider the reality that I didn't like men, which is kind of a lot in a patriarchal society. 

I had such a hard time accepting the fact that I'm a lesbian. I said it already, but when you really think about it, lesbianism goes against what society expects women to do. Our society, even if people deny it, still inherently revolves around men. Women are expected to service men, in the past quite literarily being homebodies, but even in the 20th century we still see this idea of women servicing men. I don't know how explain this in a deeper context if you can't already see it, but when you start looking for it, everything becomes more apparent. 

This idea of betraying what society expects me as a women to do becomes even More complicated when I realized I was trans. Honestly I still struggle with my trans-ness. I'm not denying it per say, its just an ever-present uncomfortable feeling. Like there's a part of me who wishes I could be cis still. Like my life would be so much more simpler and neater if I was cis. Ultimately I wind up back in the same place were I remember that transgenderism is intertwined with my being and sense of self, and that I wouldn't be the same me if I *was* cis. That doesn't stop me from wanting to be cis though.

I look back at middle school early grade 10 me and see this feeling front and centre. I tried for so long to find some niche tumblr micro label or advance gender theory to explain how I felt- like I could still be a woman in a way but not. That the desire to obtain traditionally feminine things mean't I could have even just a feminine aligned gender. But the more I digged nothing ever felt right. I didn't want to admit that my desire to be feminine, wasn't actually a feminine desire at all. Know as someone with a better understanding of the complex gender biome that I hold I realize that I perceive these "feminine" things as something more androgynous, or even masculine in a sense. I want to wear a skirt in the way testament does. (yes I will sneak GGST into my introspective queerness talk what about it!) 

After so long of trying to be something of a woman I never could be, I gave up. I didn't accept it at first. I gave up. I said fuck it im non-binary. But even then I didn't like that! gosh darn it gender is a non-describable fucked up experience! 

After some deeper, deeper, searching I landed on something. I have now, like 90% accepted that I can't be cis even if I wanted to, and that I have a word I can tell people if they ask. But ultimately I really am just: a thing. 

I don't know how to wrap this up nicely, because I am tired. I guess I can end it by acknowledging how interesting the queer middle school experience is, and how it has shaped me into the fucked up queerdo monster than I know am. 
hasta la vista baby,  I didnt beta read this. Gn paisley nation.