Damn…

As I get older, I come face to face with the reality of growth and everything that comes with it. I’m only 23,  Im grown mothafuckin adult, but I still feel stuck between that and a kid just trying to find his way. Partly because I’ve felt behind others, growing up I wasn’t very social; I had lots of anxiety undiagnosed autism and adhd, and I was homeschooled so making friends was difficult and I just didn’t have that actual life experience. Most of the friends I had were strictly online homies. 

2 years ago (2022) I made a homie ($pooky) and he is like family to me, love his family they’ve helped me so much and they’ve all been there more than my own family has. I did a lot of stupid shit with him was getting fucked up every night, driving around Tooele being a clumsy menace in a Chrysler 300, going on a shroom binge, makin homies and had a group to hang with, I felt alive for the first time in my life. I knew even while in the moment that it wouldn’t be like that forever, I was going to be looking back at them as “the good old days” so I recorded every special moment I could for fear of forgetting them. 

2023 comes around and shit hit the fan for me, a break I went through had me all types of messed up, I couldn’t hold a job down, car issues, was practically homeless for awhile, I got distant with homies and homies got distant with me, all of this happening while Im dissociated and slowly losing my mind. I broke down the night that homie moved to Cali cause it marked the beginning of the end, maybe that was just the fear talking cause everyone else I ever loved eventually just faded out or forgot about me and It always happened like it was nothing too. So I was scared cause I didn’t want to lose another. 

It kinda stuck with me, and homie acknowledged it himself, he had already lived life. Been through the parties, the girls, the drama, the moments where they’re just chillin with the homies, getting into stupid shit, being stupid kids and making memories out of mistakes. They’d gone through it all already so they was starting to slow down and mature out of it, for me I was just getting started. At the same time my mental health deteriorated so much that I didn’t even care I’d rather just cut everyone off and be alone, fact is I’ve never been a social person and I don’t like parties so for me it’s all about those random moments and the time spent with each other. I’ve enjoyed my isolation and I’ve healed a lot, it’s just sad to think that those days and those moments with the people I loved more than anything are gone and I will never have them again. 

Of course I’m bound to still make new memories, new friends, all that jazz, life is far from over, but.. it’s not the same. Me and another homie “Uncle” grew up together as family friends and were brothers through and through. We had these dreams of forming a music group, performing, we was the dynamic duo Fr Fr, we had the image everything basically laid out but weren’t able to record like that cause of shit we were dealing with at the time. I slowly came to the realization that it was more of my idea than his, for awhile he was part of it and was serious like I was, but overtime he lost that passion for it ig, I was the only coming with ideas and I’d try and ask him to get involved and to record with me and he just wasn’t interested. It hurts cause those were key moments for me, the songs we had written I still would love to see finished, but it’s obvious he’s moved on to other things and that’s good for him, I’m proud and I’m happy for him, he should do what he wants in life. We’ve grown distant in general tho and we don’t have that bond anymore it feels like so it all just kinda hurts.

To come to a conclusion, it hurts to watch those special moments fade out and become less and less frequent. Lowkey I think that’s why a lot of people become bitter as they get older, the old hopes and dreams fall apart, those moments of emotionally intimacy don’t happen very often, that imagination and youthful stride becomes suppressed by the mundanity of everyday life. It hurts to see old friends grow on to do their own thing, it hurts to go on a mission by yourself that originally, all your partners were planned to be a part of. It hurts to say goodbye.