swimming bad

i have the beginnings of a scab on my elbow from roughhousing with my girlfriend last night, and it's tender & starting to be rough, but still thin-- still fragile

it's odd to watch it move through all the stages of being [a wound]-- starting out fresh & red & raw & unearthed, skin not meant to be seen, and then sticky & silky & slick like i imagine a heart is, and then what it is now

i'm more aware of it than i've been of any scratch / wound / pain i have been in a while. it's occupying so much space in my mind, i think in the form of a symbol of some kind more than in its true form [maybe its true form is its symbolic self?]

i feel self-important & frustrated with this poeticism, but it's the only way i know how to approach this right now. i wish i could be more straight forward, but i guess i feel like i need to wind down this road with all its car sickness before i can understand it. that sentence meant nothing logically, i think. oh well

i'm listening to swim good which is quite a difficult song, and i learned it from my mom, which is not where you want to learn a song like that, but i guess it's just one of many things we learn from our parents that we don't want to

a little too far back to call 'recently', i got to hear a story from my mom's perspective that i've only ever known from my dad's, and i don't really know how to reconcile them yet. i won't / can't bore you with the details [it's not my story to tell-- i wonder if it's either of theirs, either. i think the story is stored in my body somehow]

this song fucks with me in a good [painful] way. i lost someone recently [she didn't die, don't worry], but i also didn't lose her, and also, she's been lost for a long time, and i think i did a lot of my grieving before i even let her go, and even then, it's hitting me again. we listened to a lot of frank ocean together. actually, that's not really true. we listened to frank ocean together in a moment that is now burned into my heart & mind & neural pathways, probably. never this song, but that does add to it

i saw a photo of her and her hair curled so beautifully in a way i almost forgot it could [maybe i did forget, but i won't let myself believe that if i did], and now i'm in this mood i can't kick. i listened to slow like honey in the kitchen around noon today, which i'm just remembering. i love that idea-- "slow like honey and heavy with mood." me too, girl

anyway, i don't really know what to do with myself. i'm overwhelmed in waves & completely fine other times, and i feel a little at sea, which in another world is a lovely thought, but it's lost its charm. it's odd to be writing about this here, because she might see it, but oh well. hi there, you. i hope you're okay. take care of yourself

in the vein of weird shit going on, i watched oldboy last night, and what the fuck do i even say about that movie? my girlfriend said it was weird in every way it could possibly be weird, and i can definitely get behind that one. i felt like i was in some fucked up dream the whole time, and some shots made my head spin, and i couldn't get why people said it was so fucked until it was very obvious why it was so fucked, and i'm grateful i watched it, but also, what the fuck?

can you tell i like coordinating conjunctions? and is my favorite

swim good has been on loop for the last hour and a half, now, which is a little too long to not be that weird. it's okay, though. we all gotta be weird sometimes. in a bad way, i mean. being weird in a good way is always a plus, but being weird in a bad way is for special occasions. this qualifies, i'd say

i saw sister wife sex strike on tuesday, and i made a whole zine about it, so i won't dwell too much, but i'm still thinking about that intense sense of family. i feel like i had it for a moment, but it's gotten slowly torn away from me the past two years, and it was nice to have it back again, even for a moment

i have people that feel like family, of course, and people that are family, but that sense of family as a group evades me in a way. community, i have, but not family. i don't know. i'll find my way back to it again, someday, but for now, the world will just keep stealing it from me in different ways

i'm sorry for the melodrama, but it's felt necessary, tonight. i bought a zine this evening, so maybe i'll spend some time reading that

swim good has been playing for 45 minutes, now