Alone once again (Long dump)

10 or so years ago I was a young man just trying to find himself. Managing a Rite Aid right off a highway exit I was absolutely miserable. My attitude was at its lowest, along with my mental health. My parents had noticed and told me to try asking my uncle who managed a Co-op building in the City if he had any open positions. It'd be a different environment, I'd meet different people instead of the drunks and junkies who'd frequent into the store and it could be good for me. I gave it a shot. I drove to his house which wasn't far and I caught him lounging by his pool. He said he'd have to interview me but to not make it so obvious that he knows me. I thought to myself I could do that.

I'll never forget the train ride into NYC. My anxiety was so high the train could've been powered by it. But I did my best not to overthink it all. Looking back, I give myself props because even then I felt "if it happens it happens". If not then I can figure something else out I guess. My smoking was at its all time high so I remember fiending for a cigarette to stop my legs from bouncing. The tunnel trains go through to enter Penn Station always made me have to pop my ears. Still does.

Penn was different then. Not as flashy as it is now. The LIRR section had a pizza spot and a  Walgreens and another pizza spot but that one had a popcorn machine so I'd always go to that one. The 7th Ave exit was always closer but I took the 8th Ave exit. To do that I'd have to walk through the Amtrak waiting lines. Nobody ever looked happy so I still to this day hope I never have to take Amtrak anywhere.

The second you walk out onto the busy Manhattan streets you're hit with the smell of piss, dirtywater dogs cookin' and a dash of rat. But it's amazing. Everyone has somewhere to be, something to do and navigate through each other like ants in an ant farm. The traffic is chaos with the taxi drivers honking at each other waving a dirty sandle through their windows fueled by road rage. A homeless guy on the side of MSG found a broken microphone and is singing with so much passion Marvin Gaye would've had to be proud of his version of Let's Get It On. Amazing.

I headed downtown towards my uncle's building. The busy streets got less populated as I walked and eventually reached Chelsea. Chelsea is its own little gay bubble within a bubble. Super artsy, decent food, and gay. Trust me, I've seen with my own eyes straight couples end their facade and embrace who they really are. Chelsea is gay. Big eye opener for me. I saw things I've never thought I'd ever see and things I shouldn't have ever seen. Things even the gay residents audibly reacted with "What the fuck". 

I get to the building and introduce myself to the Lobby Attendant I'd eventually end up working with for over 9 years. He told me the Super is expecting me and to head to his office. I get there and meet his assistant who conducts the interview. I remember it going pretty well... and then my uncle walked in. For context, I am Puerto Rican and if there's anything we Latinos all have in common, its the fact that we are a touchy-feely people. We hug, kiss, grab, slap each other all the time. I'll never forget it. He walks in with his hands in his pockets right towards me. I look up at him and he goes, "Hows it going?" pinching my cheek and then combing his fingers through my hair. The look on his assistants face of genuine confusion and shock will never escape me. This is after he told me not to make it too obvious that I know him btw. I'm laughing right now thinking about it.

They eventually put me as a temp covering for a guy that was out. The other guys I was working with were pretty intimidating and the things they were saying about the guy I was covering was no different. MMA training, forearm tattoos, more importantly he was out because he broke something in his arm from a fight he got into somewhere uptown. Great and now I'm taking his spot. 

I was meeting the residents of the building too. They laid out the spectrum of people with money for me just through interaction. People who never had money and have it now all the way to people who've always had money. The people who worked for their success were kind and offered to get me coffee in the mornings while the forever rich would role their eyes when I was busy and they had to open the front doors themselves. I began getting a better understanding of my role and the people I was working for and then the guy I was covering came back.

As I said the guys I worked with were intimidating. Some if not most of them had been in jail, worked the streets... basically they had all been through some shit. They were walking mountains. They lived and breathed the gym. I was this skinny, shy doof from Long Island who knew the Super so I always had this idea that these guys didn't even see me. However that was far from the truth. They treated me like I was part of the crew. Joked on me sure but never maliciously. They were just dudes. The guy I was covering for was no different. 

In fact we got along almost immediately. We thought the same, had the same sense of humor, he was definitely more confident than I was and more daring but as the years went by that mentality rubbed off on me. He taught me things about his life and I taught him things about mine and we really hit it off. I felt like I had found a real friend. Somebody who called me out on my bullshit, someone who got my jokes, someone who liked nice things as much as I did. He became a brother. Someone I knew in and out. And I saw his flaws. His way of thinking. He was a guy lost in his ways, no real role models, someone who always tried to do well but stumbled constantly. I loved the guy so I did what I could to help. Talked to him about different ways of approaching things, trying to make him see the world through a different lens. Maybe even removing lenses all together and just seeing the world as it is and how ridiculous it can be.

Of course I'm not the fuckin' Buddha so I was dealing with my own problems with self love/confidence and personal boundaries at the same time, but he introduced me to a therapist he found for couples counseling who ended up being someone crucial to the positive mental health I have today. We looked out for each other. However, there were things he'd do that rubbed me the wrong way. 

When you're friends with someone in the beginning you're still figuring them out and might not pick up on things, but 9+ years in... you do. He was selfish, abusive verbally (later discovered physically too), easy to anger, frugal, commanding, aggressive, refused to accept no's for answers (nothing illegal tho) and manipulative. It became more and more apparent when other people who i became friendly with would ask me "How are you friends with him? You're so nice". I would hear that and see the things that I saw and would store it somewhere in the back of my mind. I was his friend. Would I walk away from someone I've known for so long or would I be the friend I know I am and try to help. I've been saying this and trying to help for a good long time now with no real change happening.

The last time I met with him was about two weeks ago. I had already left the job for almost 8 months now and he talked about how he did too. In fact, he was focused on a new goal. A guy he knew figured out a way to make good money doing almost nothing. He wanted to do that too. I however, not only found a new job that I like, its in a field I WANT to be good at. I've always thought good work ethic isn't just doing a lot of hard work, it's the want to do a good job at whatever it is you're doing. He's always looked for the quick buck. He was going on about investing in things and how we both could do this and that and I had to stop him right there. The quick route was never my way. I've never had a problem doing things the long and hard way, especially if by the end of it all, I know that thing inside and out. More importantly, I have a job with a crew that enjoy me and a boss who has said "you're exceeding expectations". Why would I leave? Things are looking up.

By the end of the day, he had gotten so drunk since I wasn't on board I had to watch him for the rest of the outing because he gets pretty messy. I missed my train home because of it while he left to meet up with that guy at some strip club in Jersey. I caught some random train to a town that was 2 towns over and grabbed an Uber home.

Somewhere between the train ride and Uber ride I kept saying to myself I need to walk away from this guy. He's only ever thought about himself and what he can get out of a situation. I'm really sick of it. I've wasted some good hard earned cash with him around and I'm sick of that too. I can't blame him for everything though. Me accepting his invitations out and spending what it is I spent was entirely in my control and I never stopped myself. Until now at least.

With all of this though, a feeling I thought I'd never feel again is back. The feeling that embraced my being like a blanket in a cold room. The feeling I had in that Rite Aid. The feeling that I had at the end of my school days. Loneliness. I'm alone again. I was at this point 10 or so years ago but I found people and grew from them. Maybe the same will happen here. Or maybe this is just how my Life will be. People will come and go. It's sad kinda because my Love is freely given and I'm just not over the hope or dream of finding someone who sees that and gives theirs back in return. I've met people who've been kind to me for no other reason than because they wanted to and those people have a place reserved in my heart forever, even if we just met once. 

It doesn't really matter though. I know who I am, how I am, what I believe in. I'm moving forward positive and eager to succeed. Even if I have to do it alone.