my weird experience with the lockdown

As of this year, I'm 17 years old, which is super weird. To me, I was 14 just yesterday and am still 14 in my mind. That's all because I was that age during quarantine times.
My hair is a curly, mid-back length with bangs today, but at that time I had very frizzy, long dark hair that reached past my waist, which I eventually cut to an unholy length when I graduated from middle school. It was SHORT.

I found it really difficult to stay under lockdown. I think I cried almost every day, especially at the beginning of 2021 when I discovered that even though a year had passed, it still appeared like I had another year to go before things would get better. In those two years, I believe I left the house about six times. My mom urged that I wash my long long hair and sanitize all groceries, shoes, and clothes every time I went out, and my parents were extremely strict about following COVID guidelines. I had had enough of everything. I was so bored with online schooling that I would just ignore it, study on my own, and even cheat a little bit on tests. I lost all of my school friends in arguments and was feeling extremely isolated. At the time, I used to crochet and play the electric guitar as ways to escape.

I spent all day on the computer because there was nothing I could do outside of it, and I began feeling at one point like I only existed digitally, like my real-life body was getting away from me. because whenever you stare at a screen, you project your mind inside of it, away from your body. It was so alienating because suddenly the entire world just didn't exist apart from my apartment and the computer.

When I was in the sophomore year, my eating disorder began to manifest. I was afraid to eat anything because I thought the food would be contaminated with bugs and maggots. Not that I was afraid of bugs; I just didn't want to eat food that possibly had a worm squirming around in it, so I just didn't eat at all. I would actually feel my body shutting down and fading away. I used to frequently stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning, and during the dead of night, I frequently experienced an intense numbness in my fingertips, as if a swarm of tiny ants were gnashing their teeth into me. My veins seemed to be trembling as the numbness extended throughout my body. My ears would start ringing. I felt faint. Sometimes my stomach would hurt with a horrible jabbing pain. I usually lay down on my bed because I would come close to unconsciousness a lot of times.

After the quarantine ended, it stopped, and now I only occasionally get mild vertigo. Lack of iron, probably. In my mind, it felt like my body was giving up since I wasn't using it.

I had a love-hate relationship with the girl I was with back then. A melancholic 14-year-old who was heavily into music, was learning how to paint, write, and play the guitar. I was really heavily into The Cranberries, whose work really wasn't well known then, so it felt like my special thing, my little interest that was close to only being mine. There is a poetic beauty to me at this time, but I don't wish to be her again. I don't miss the feeling of my body leaving me. I don't miss losing all of my friends. I don't miss finding my escape in the dreams I had at night because it was the only time I was in a place other than the prison that was my apartment. I just want to give that long-haired, lost weirdo a little kiss on the forehead.