my hispanic heritage and the spanish language

When I was first brought into this world, my parents first mission in raising me was to figure out what language should be my first. english? or spanish? I do live in America, so English should be my first language. How else will I ever make friends and go to school? But if Spanish were my first language, I would be able to interact with my family and my loved ones better. I would be able to understand what the priest was saying during my weekly Sunday mass; I would've at least enjoyed that trip I had to El Salvador; and I would talk to my parents in a language that they understood. When people ask me (usually older folks) if I can speak Spanish, to which I always reply with a no, I get the same reaction every. single. time. "what?? But aren't you Hispanic??" "You're Latina; how can you have conversations with your family??" "Your family must be disappointed in you." And to answer that, all I have to say is: I don't know. I don't know why Spanish wasn't my first language. Your guess is as good as mine.

When I first visited El Salvador with my mom, everything was a blur. I don't even remember what I did. I guess I just stared off into space. The only moment I remember was playing with two stray dogs at the beach and booking the flight back to LA. but other than that, I don't recall a thing.

Recently, though, I have been picking up on the language little by little, which is good. I can't wait to just be able to be done with this and speak it fluently like I do English. It's such a big, unending load of work, time, and energy to learn a language, but it brings a lot of different types of knowledge within itself, which is something really fun to compensate for the blood and tears. I hope I can reread this entry a few years later and be like, "Hah, it sucks to be you past me; I can speak Spanish just fine," and imagine that future diss motivates me. toodles!!