I hate myself.

I hate my body and how it reacts to things,

I hate my brain and how it feeds into disgusting things because of my sexual trauma,

I hate that I became a harmful, dangerous person, that will cause harm to millions, 

I hate that I will never be the good in the world, be able to help people, I will always be the bad and do nothing but hurt every single living thing, 

I hate that I will never do anything I cared about because I always ruin everything I touch, especially for many others,

I hate that I will never be there for individuals, I need to be alone, I cannot destroy anyone else's life ever again, 

I hate myself for ever making the mistake of consuming adult content as a child, I will never forgive myself for ever making that huge mistake, 

I hate myself for ever becoming obsessed with adult content when I was in middle school to high school until I was 16, yet trying to change, I never actually tried, still looking at that content, until I realized how it affected me, another mistake in my life, 

I hate myself for ruining my whole life, I did this, no one else, I ruined it all, because I was a stupid, pathetic child, that should have known better, yet I didn't care about being a child, as a result, I ruined my childhood, my whole life, my only chance and I blew it, 

I'm sorry to anyone who has known, or meet me that I ever existed, I'm sorry I ruined your happiness, your joy, your life as well, I took it all away by simply creating myself into a nasty human being, that reminds you of all the evil in the world, and once again, I'm sorry, 

not to gain an apology, or forgiveness, you don't need to, you never have to, I just want to apologize for my own existence, for the fact I became the way I did, due to my own selfish actions, 

and no matter how much I hate, wish, whatever, it will never change, a shame but someday I will die, and when I do, please move on, and forget me, if you ever think about me, remember, I wasn't a good person, so there's no need to live on with someone like me, 

it's fine, because without me, your life is so much better, and that's okay, it will be okay, you will still be able to do so much, you will meet new people, that will make you much happier then I could ever, that will give your living meaning, that will help, and be there to save you more then I could, 

I hope those new people will do something amazing for you, will give you that happiness you need in this compilated world, to help, to teach, to do something good for you, 

I wish, but yet, I shouldn't, for it's utterly selfish in the worst way possible now, so it's more safe to let go, to stay away, for I'm a bomb that shouldn't be allowed to tick any louder, shouldn't because myself has messed up so much that my mind feeds into gross perversion, so, it's safer for the world that I just step back from anything that triggers such, 

I hate myself for creating this life, it does nothing, but maybe it's understandable, I'm the worst person to ever exist after all, still, if I could have one wish, if wishes can become anything, I would like a second chance at life, 

even if such a slim chance, a pipe dream, even if I'm just hoping for something more for someone like me, for all I went through, I would like to see and live a life where I'm just, well, a better person, 

to reincarnate, but without sexual trauma, just an amazing childhood, be allowed to live childish like any child needs to, parents who have a healthy relationship, parents who looks look after me and aren't that busy, that had enough time to look after my internet activity and make sure I'm not looking at adult stuff, to love and like whatever I want without ruining it, to do whatever without hurting anyone, to be there for people more, to be able to help others without harm, do the same hobbies, and like the same things I do in this life, just without ruining it all, I would still want to bi, but I would like to be ace, gender doesn't matter, 

what matters is I want my next life to be me but better, a better life, better to other people, better self, just so I can do the things I love, live my life without causing harm, but most important, be able to help the world, the people, without hurting anyone, just to be there for a person, for humanity, 

not asking to be perfect, just to be a decent person, I would still make mistakes, just not ones that ruin my life, and others in the worst way ever, mistakes can still happen, just not at the expense of many to cause anguish, just to help instead of hurt, to live, not only for me, but for others in the world as well, 

even if it's just my hope, my escapism from this life I ruined, 

I hate myself, because I will never do better with what I've made myself into, I never do better for others, for a better world, cause your actions can affect many, sometimes in the worst way, 

if I belong anywhere, then it's death itself, for I won't cause more harm when I'm not here, and I hope when that happens, the world is happier, the world is able to heal, the people who knew me live better lives, maybe with new people, 

without me, because it's for the best, people like me just don't deserve it, so I don't hurt no one, 

if so, the so be it, I hate myself too, and I would understand if you hate me too, that's fine, that's okay, your allowed to, 

and I hope for many of you, my death comes with happiness then sadness, and you can be able to thrive with a good life, in a improved society.