Food for thought/Blogpost #9

This is, as usual, me talking nonsense and saying silly shit, so if you dont want that just bugger off. yeah. see ya never.

Okay, bugger off? since when do i say that. my damn... mannerisms and stuff are getting all messed up. I said "eh" earlier today. so weird. whatever. so, onto todays main event! thoughts about food. I know i always use it as an example as just one of those good little things that can fix your emotions and stuff, but god damn. a good sandwich really does fix some things.

 its right about midnight, i just made a couple breakfast sandwiches. Hashbrowns, some old andouille sausages cut down the middle, scrambled egg, hotsauce, cheese, all toasted in bacon fat and put on english muffins with salt and pepper, and a little bit of ketchup (not too much).... i am healed. everything is better now.

just.. having a good ass fucking sandwich in the dead of night after i was soo hungry all day and not even realizing it.. I dont think theres been anything better. the world may be cold and lonely and getting worse and scary and filled with terrible people... but this was so fucking good.

i cant stress it enough really, it felt like.. a divine advent. there *is* good in the world. theres good people. ones who know kindness in their hearts, and the stars will still shine. its not all gonna be okay. but in this moment? this one... beautiful meal.. its okay. 

i feel so much better now that im not hungry. really just.. damn. god fucking damn my guys. my mom was so mad at me for waking her up, but she just didnt get what was happening. the peace and beauty of the moment.

wow my cats really getting old. its not obvious, but. you know those lines old cats have that are kinda like tear lines down near their nose? those are starting to happen. and they're getting a little bald spot on their head. its not much, but. damn, mortalities a bitch. my other cat went fucking pancake mode like 11 years ago from some dudes car, bu. holy shit. my cats really getting old. at least 11. 

My dads dogs died too, one died of old age, and the other got grand-fuckin-slammed by a big ol' 18 wheeler and lost her leg. couldn't afford surgery, so we had to euthanize her. her head was on my lap all the way to the vet, looking up at me all sadly. the whole drive, she was bleeding. there was the smell of summer air, blood, and old leather seats. No whimpering, no talking, just the sound of the half-open windows.

the seats were covered with blue towels. i dont know why that stuck out to me. maybe because the blood was so bright on it. the whole car ride, i was just a little scared and didnt want to get blood on me. kind of gross. thats all. but god damn was i sad when i got to the vet. that white fucking waiting room, smelling like cleaning supplies and animal fur. I didn't even cry until she was being taken into the back room. That was the last time I saw her.

No wonder i've never liked hospitals. so many bad memories at places like that.

Isn't much helping it, everything dies one day. may as well try and love while you can I guess. You cant stop death, and theres no use mourning whats still alive. so.. love the ones you love i guess? Death is really painful, not just of pets, but friends, but im still here. I cant get all down about the people i carry with me in memory, they still kind of live on through me. 

OH fucking christtttt i went full emotional. gooood dammit. what the fuck ever, it is how it is. im not deleting all this, it took forever to write. fuck man. i guess it wasn't anything actually sad, just an important memory. what fucking ever.

 strangely, i dont feel bad right now. I guess im just happy tonight. fucking thank you midnight breakfast sandwiches <3

Have any of you listened to AJJ? im listening to the album Cant Maintain right now, its really good. i feel like it kinda fueled my little story up there. who knew a guy with a guitar singing about death and loss and shit would do that? well one song is just straight silly in this album. (Olde (x) Tyme (y)). you should give it a listen some time. if you feel like it. whatever i dont control yr life, do what u want. (sense, sensibility is one of my fav songs from the album, so like.. listen to that first if u listen to the album.)

ughhh the skin on my shoulders is soo bad its crazy. like.. whats the deal. what makes u so special. stop being all... like that. prick. whatever, who cares. be that way.

Anyways. theres like one person who i know is probably gonna read this (Hi cosmic), but who else is gonna read this? maybe 10 ppl will click on it at most, 7 of them will click off after seeing how long it is, and like 2/3 will skim it or give up halfway through. just how it should be honestly. i wanna know if anybody actually reads these.. idk just let me know? comment? how was my storytelling, was it compelling enough for you? i dont care but you can say anything u want 2.

k, well. this is a long one. have a good night, whoever decides to read all this. I hope tomorrow is better than today was. peace out nerds