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uhh this is a vent, idk why i'm posting it here but i guess i just wanted somewhere to just mindlessly rant about this shit. i'm 14 years old, finishing up my first year of high school. the first two quarters i went to a neighboring high school, but dropped out at the third quarter for health issues. starting at the beginning of this quarter, i'm going back to in-person school but at a different school, an alternative school just a few miles away. i feel like it's worth mentioning that i am an individual who has a disability. i have POTS syndrome, or postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. if you don't know what that is please make a quick google search before reading the rest of this blog. i used to use a cane, and we had a wheelchair for a while. yesterday during my AVID classes, we went on a field trip. i didn't think much of it until we got there. i hadn't realized that our field trip was a hike across the college campus just a few blocks from my house. it's a large campus, stretching over a few miles. with my condition, it makes it very difficult to do large amounts of excessive walking. my heart rate gets too high, i get super dizzy and sore, sometimes even passing out. i used to be a pretty athletic kid, up until about middle school, when i began showing the early symptoms of POTS. i've gone to the doctors and hospital multiple times over the years, even having to wear a heart monitor for a week or two. since yesterday, i over exerted myself; today i feel like i'm dying. all my muscles feel hot, like they're going to combust any second. my ribs ache when i breathe, and today i'm definitely not stable enough to go to school. however, this morning my mom and i got into a heated argument. she woke me up, sounding normal at first. but when i told her about how i was feeling she just started screaming. she was calling me lazy and saying i didn't try hard enough. she told me that she couldn't deal with my "bitching and lying" this morning so she stormed off to go walk our dog. when she came back we got in another big argument. i told her to leave me alone, but she wouldn't. i got defensive, so here's what i'd said (roughly): "no, okay that’s it. i'm fucking done. it’s not fair that every time I get mad you demonize me, but then you scream at me 1. for no fucking reason and 2. because i’m fucking hurting. you shouldn’t have had a kid if you couldn’t handle a kid with a disability. you say that you understand me and support me but you do more damage than you repair. it is cruel and unfair to say that i'm lazy and not trying hard enough. i’m trying my absolute hardest, pushing myself past my limits to where I’M PHYSICALLY HURTING MYSELF; and i get no credit. not even a simple: 'i'm proud of you.' lately it feels like all you do is pick apart reasons to be mad at me just so that you can feel better about yourself. you make me feel like shit all the time, because everything i do is to please you. whether it’s school, my room, my friends, family, EVERYTHING. everything I do is to please you so that I can feel accepted in the one place i’m supposed to be. but you make me feel like i don’t belong in my own house, like i’m not even good enough for my own mother. so please, before I say something I can’t take back: leave me alone." i stormed off back to my room, and haven't heard anything from her in the last 20 minutes, other than her muttering to herself and slamming doors. on a worse note, my grandma is coming up today; and she's twice as crazy as my mom. so that's fun. if you read through this, do you think i'm an asshole for speaking my mind?

 tuesday, april 23rd 2024
8:06 am