4/22/24

UGH everything fucking SUCKS

my favorite manager is more than likely getting fired out of nowhere for some really really dumb shit. if he's not running the place, my job is a lot less tolerable; I was already needing to look for something else in order to afford moving out, but him getting spontaneously canned really means I have to get outta here

except, y'know, I already feel like a fraud making barely $17 an hour. I can't wrap my mind around going somewhere else and demanding more than that. I feel inhuman— I don't deserve any of it. it's selfish of me. even thinking about it makes me want to fucking puke.

and completely unrelated but unfortunately happening at the exact same time, I have been sooooo stuck in my head thinking about relationships lately. I hate being #triggered by something so fuckin pathetic but literally I get physically ill thinking about it. I'm 25 and I've never even held hands with anyone, so obviously I've never been kissed either and uhhhhh. makes me feel like a fucking freak. and logically I know it's not my fault— my circumstances in life have just straight-up never allowed for anything. it's not my fault my parents are crazy and don't let me leave the house, it's not my fault the people I went to college with were less than ideal, it's not my fault neither of my post-college jobs have had guys my age. but at the same time, like. 25. dumb cunt lmfao. obviously unwanted by the entire world. it's all my fault anyways.

and like. idk if I'm ace or traumatized, but I just know I won't be able to sleep with anyone unless I'm married first. I know people generally don't agree with that anymore but there's really no way I could bring myself to do anything else. but like,,,,,,, who's gonna want a dumb bitch who's a virgin at this age. there must be something wrong with her. and why spend money to marry her when there are girls who will fuck for free. I don't think I could handle knowing a guy had girlfriends before me bc I'd just be permanently comparing myself. I'm inhuman.

the obvious answer to everything is just to kill myself. but I can't even bring myself to try that  so I'm just,,, like this forever.

groovy.