april 21st 2024

i woke up this morning and i realized i’d dressed the way you want me to. short wings on my eyes, white shoes, dress to my ankles. elaine’s necklace. you wouldn’t like my bangs. you wouldn’t like the metal in my brow. 

i got high until my back tooth vibrated. i went to cvs and got my pills. i sat in the library. i thought about how you wear your hair at your shoulders. little beads and ties around your wrists. big sweater over a skirt to your ankles. do you know that you imitate? i recognize her in you. you said, i know you as well as i know myself, but something else is true. you become who you wanted. i was perfect then.

i talk the way you used to. on the street i carry myself like you, the false confidence. i sit with my legs open on the train. i care about the way i look. i pre-arrange the things i say. i write about lost lovers, in my mind and on paper. i keep your book upon my desk. once you left your journal in my room and i didn’t read it, i didn’t even think to. you tied all my neckties because i don’t know how, and you draped them over the side of my coatrack. they’re still there with your fingerprints. did you infect me? where is the rest of me? i was someone first, the one that you’re wearing. i was sweet. you hated who i was when i loved you instead. but i love to be eaten by you. i love to be eaten by you.