blegh i feel like shit

Kinda a vent i guess?????? im not sure. SORRY

having a bigger conversation with a stranger then with someone who ive known for like 5 years and shared literally everything with. kind of sad lol. I told her everything that happened to me and i was always there for her. She was the only one i felt comfortable coming out to and sharing personal things with and she shared stuff too. now we don't talk and i have better conversations with a random dude about a literal river. 

Whenever i text her it takes her like 2 DAYS to respond and the conversation only lasts like 3 chats max. when i greet the random person i always get a "hii!!" and "How are you?" But with her its like she dosent even like me anymore. She dosent check in on me like i try to do so hard. She is starting to make everything about her but those other people ask how im doing. it feels better to reciprocate feelings with STRANGERS then my own "best friend". sorry that sound childish ugh.

Ive been taking to stangers more and more and telling them things even she dosent know about. i dont even know why. Ive never vented big to her but it just spills out to other people??? I dont even know what im saying oh my god. 

it feels more natural to tell a complete stranger my life then any of my friends. im starting to lose my social skills honetly. whenever i try to really talk to someone irl i dont know what to say most of the time and get nervous for no reason. i cant ever keep a conversation and i think it really bothers the other person. thats why I avoid people even if their all around me. I feel bad for the other person because im not able to entertain.

i get really big fixations that i want to share all the time and i feel like it going to bother the other person a lot if i just keep talking about it over and over. I had this HUGE Queen obsession (im a really big Queen nerd) and i kept bugging my friends about it then i realized how much i talked about it and felt bad so i stopped but im still really into it and have a bunch to share that i learned about it. along with all the shows i like. I resort to finding people on the internet who share the interests and then i stop talking to them because again, i cant seem to keep a conversation.

enough about friends i have more lol 

I made my mom upset because she read my personal "diary" and read everything. i was at my brothers baseball game and she called me into her car and questioned me about the stuff. im not going to say what i wrote in it other than that it had my PERSONAL thoughts and things about myself that i wasnt planing on ever telling ANYONE. she read ALL of it. we talked for like 2 hours about it and she found out the reasons for stuff i wrote about and stuff. i didnt mostly tell her the truth about everything and i really want to say something but not to her. i dont want to see my mom hurt like that. But now its like nothing happened and im back to thinking about all that stuff. 

im not doing ok right now. im at a really bad mental state right now and i dont feel like writing anything else. i just kinda wanted to say all of this stuff. again I HAVE NO CLUE WHY IM EVEN SHARING THIS but uhhhhhmmmm yeah.

byebye  :-3