Trauma (??) dump

Writing about my ex that (groomed (??) me [w.i.p!!]

and if the person i'm talking about reads this,uh oh

anyways

My first ex,his name was Felix.

we met on roblox,my friend Gabe, introduced me to him and we got along well.

 A few months later,I developed a crush on this guy,and we started hanging out more. Felix and Gabe got into a fight and they stopped talking to each other after that. Then me and Felix grew closer,and eventually started dating and it was going good!Well,at least for the first month.We were both really affectionate to each other.We would play roblox and pony town together,and we would usually have matching avatars which were really fun to design!

 But one time when we were playing pony town,we were heading to our usual hang out area,but there were people in our spot.We started talking to them,and then Felix jokingly started sitting on one of them (making it look like he was fucking them).Calling him a cheater as a joke, and then ran off for about five or 10 minutes while actually being hurt by what he did. After a little bit,I went looking for jack.He then later told that he thought i was ignoring him,because of when i ran off earlier,i couldn't talk to him about what he did wrong and how it made me feel,i thought it was stupid how i got upset over something like that. So i just tried to apologize,and say that i wouldn't "ignore" him again.

 Another incident like this happened when we were playing a mandela catalogue rp game on roblox, I haven't really heard of it before,and didn't really know anything about the lore/fandom and we were hanging out and then somebody came up to us,and started talking to Felix.They were both talking about the lore and started rping,then they started walking off and I tried to catch up with them and talk with them but eventually i gave up and felt left out,then roamed around the map for like 15 minutes. I tried looking for him,calling his name in the chat to try to find out where he went,but he wouldn't respond. It still said he was in the game,that made me feel really jealous and upset,so i left. Later we started talking on discord again.

 I would take breaks on a regular basis because I couldn't handle how he made me feel sometimes. So on May 19th,i decided to break up with him, I lost feelings for him and my anxiety just made it a big problem for me to keep a stable relationship. That evening i told him that i wanted to break up,and that i just didn't like him like a partner anymore.I tried to tell him that we could still be friends. He told me to think it over,and i told him that i would. Then a few weeks later,I had started to gain back feelings for him until I was telling him about something morbid that had happened to me a few days prior. It had gore and blood mentioned in it,and I forgot to set a TW for it and that's when he stopped me mid sentence to tell me that he couldn't handle me anymore.

I had just finished crying about something else that had happened , and when he said that he wanted to break up I didn't know how to feel. I wanted to cry,but I couldn't,but I asked if he still wanted to pull an all-nighter and he said that we could be platonically married , and I agreed to it because I didn't really see him as a romantic partner anymore. I can't remember if we pulled the all-nighter or not,but I remember feeling both heart broken and some sort of relief that night.

Post-breakup

I then told him how much he meant to me,and even going as far to admit that he made my life better, since he understood me better than anybody else could and basically just telling him how important he was to me, even if we weren't dating anymore. How I would bend over backwards for him is the equivalent to how Ford praised and worshipped Bill. How he used to be the sun in my galaxy, but ended up being a black hole,sucking away everything that had made me independent and happy.

 Then sometime in July, I ran away and had arranged for his dad to pick me up and take me back to Illinois to live with them. We would talk about meeting up,but could never really do it even if we were just 2 states away from each other so it was just a hopeless dream that we were so close to achieving.

 We had an argument that went from talking about the custody of my cat beefaroni, to about the British vs the Natives for whatever reason,and while I was annoying him since he was pissed, he said that I " Look like the type of person that'd make my parent's disappointed whenever brought up in a conversation and that I look stupid enough to fail every grade i'm in."  I couldn't come up with any good comebacks at the time, then we left it at that for a day.

Eventually I fell for him again,sometime in August right before I had to go to boarding school, and that's when he said that he liked me. I wasn't sure how to feel about this,and told him that I kind of did too and would decide after i'm settled in the dorms. We agreed to stay friends, but we both liked each other. Until late august,I had realized how much of an asshole he was toward me,and how I didn't deserve to be with someone like him. So I wrote to him explaining how I didn't fw him, and was going to stop talking to him

We had a fight, I told him that I hope his dog would break it's legs while going down the stairs , he called me a f4g and a tr4nny and then was talking about how I called him toxic even when I did all of that (I never said he was toxic, I implied it but never directly said that I thought he was toxic). I had to go do something rq so I didn't respond to him for about 30 minutes, and our friend gabe was just sitting there,he didn't know that we were deadass arguing and fighting,so whenever I came back I replied to his "you call me toxic even though you act like this and I've never said anything this vile or mean to you ever" message and sent the SS of him calling me a  "The type of person that'd make my parent's disappointed whenever brought up in a conversation and that I look stupid enough to fail every grade i'm in." and he was left speechless. He left the GC and that's the last time I would talk to him for a couple of months.

After the falling out