Book binding...

Today is the first time I make a notebook with this machine called cinch, it was good and bad at the same time because the process consumes a lot of time and I'm a very impatient person. 

I jump from one thing to another in minutes, that's one of the reasons that I can't put enough effort in just one hobby when the next thing you know is that I'm trying to learn another thing completely unrelated to the first one. I don't know why or how but that's how my brain works (I'm undiagnosed, I don't know if I have ADHD or something, I have a few suspicions besides that but it's the job of a therapist to put a label on my weird brain lol, one day I guess). It was very VERY hard for me to work and put effort in just one single job that involved many tasks.

The day went flying, I didn't even realize when it was already late at night. I felt on edge, anxious and frustrated most of the time. I didn't want no help doing it since I see people do things in their own all the time and it makes me feel so awful to realize that I need help. I want to do this kind of things all by myself... 

The results were as you would expect the first try of everything, lots of flaws and imperfections but the final products looks very decent. I still feel pressed to do well at the first try, and the second, the third and so on... Failure hits me hard, because I've always felt (and been told sometimes) that I'm wasting my time by not doing anything productive... Do we always have to serve someone else interests? Is contributing to society what makes us worthy of living? Why do we measure our personal value by that? Why people makes it seem like the grind is the most important thing to do?

Most of the things I dreamed of at 15 I couldn't achieve as an adult, and that hits hard. I can't stop comparing myself to my peers and my ex-classmates, a lot of them are doing so great, having a job or at least a steady source of income, showing their works of art in social media, etc. 

The only thing I have been able to achieve is going to the concerts of the artists and the bands I wanted to see as a teenager, even if I don't listen to them anymore. Adult me is kind of burnout and can't feel the same levels of bliss and happiness that teenager me felt when going to concerts or gigs, but i feel like teenager me is living somewhere inside myself and smiling and rejoicing when I go see these bands. 

Adult me feels disappointed in artists and famous people being shitty, adult me sometimes crave for that carelessness of the past, the simplicity and disregard for serious matters that seemed to plague the late 2000's and early 2010's. At least I didn't have to worry about making money and having to find means to sustain my life... 

I hope book binding is one step closer to achieve that one dream, the most adult-like and boring of all the dreams I've ever had. To find a way to survive this world and my own unbearable thoughts.