anxious about outdoors (still)

i’ve basically stayed inside 24/7 for a couple years now, i haven’t purposely given up on my life but my actions and negative thoughts definitely say otherwise. it is my number one stressor, i feel like my life is speeding by me and any opportunities i had or could of tried to achieve are gone or leaving extremely quickly and i makes me sick to think about.

i have big insecurities about myself, like why even try to pursue any kind of life if i don’t see myself worthy of even a decent life. i do feel like a waste of a person most of the time, and it doesn’t help that i am physically overweight and have a lot of different skin issues so not only do i feel worthless i also feel disgusting.

i actually tend to be an optimistic person, i think to myself “i can always workout and eat better, i can always get back in touch with my art and education and find my direction, i can always go back and work and get an income so i can be independent again”, and those thoughts still come to my mind even when i’m at my lowest. what’s different though was when i had those revelations a few years ago it would motivate me to act or at least refocus on the things that stressed me out without feeling defeat or doubt, but nowadays its harder to actually get to the point of action. it now feels like i’m just lecturing myself and disappointing the person i’m around the most which is myself and i’m not particularly kind to myself so i just end up in a shitty cycle of feeling like shit, encouraging myself to be better, not being motivated enough to actually do anything, berate myself and make myself feel lower than before, repeat.

i do hope one day i’m gonna be able to get out of my house with fear or anxiety about myself or how i’m gonna go about my life but i’m just not sure how to get to that point on my own right now(without the help of family, friends, or medical professionals because my insurance won’t last long enough for therapy. literally just myself). but i hope anyone who is dealing with a similar situation as me know you’re not alone and that i’m rooting for you <33

anyways just wanted to vent a little and maybe see of anyone else out there is struggling like me right now