mourning a lost friendship

i don't know if i came across as a good person on my last entry, but in reality i'm probably the worst guy you'll ever know. just ask an old friend of mine, whose name i will change for obvious reasons.

i think she was my soulmate. not in a romantic way or anything, but in a much deeper way. she was like the last bit of sunlight kissing the treetops on a sunday afternoon, something you just wish you could bottle up and keep to yourself; she was like the first sip of coffee before you begin what you know will be a horrible day, but it's okay because for a moment there, with her, everything's okay.

her name is marnie. well, it's not, and a part of me thinks it's an insult to dare change her beautiful name. it feels like erasing who she was. is. so, i don't know why i'm doing it. maybe i dont want her to find this and know it's about her, or maybe i'm just a jerk. maybe both.

she's the one who called me the boy who doesn't play about the radio dept. she loves mangoes. she plays guitar. she loves writing and reading. she loves talking for hours and hours about the things she likes. and i loved hearing her talk about them. i swear to god, i would never have gotten tired of hearing her talk. 

i stopped talking to her a while back. don't even ask me why. i could lie and say we just drifted apart, but i want to paint the whole picture. i ghosted her, and now i miss her. but i know better than to just waltz back into her life acting like nothing ever happened. i'm sure she's moved on, and it's also possible that our friendship didnt mean as much to her as it did to me. i'll never know.

i think shell always be my what if. and everytime i think about that a pain in my chest begins and it follows me through the day.