life !!¡!

Okay so updates

I found this breadcrumb and through “hmm. I should fix this”. So here I am to throw up word bile into a phone. I don’t know who wants to read this or who cares- I’m treating this more like a soliloquy or a journal entry. Read at your own discretion!

It’s been a good couple of months since I last logged on (I think September or October of 2023). I’ve grown, seen and experienced new things- I started school, made a life long friend. I don’t think of killing myself near as much, and I found out I’m anemic. So. Maybe life isn’t just wake, school, eat, sleep. I’m out of the bed rotting phase, and recently started enjoying the little things like fresh laundry and grass and cooking. I want to start playing violin again, which is a surprise considering it’s been the catalyst of my anxiety for the past three years.

I’ve become a metal head. I like the loud and ear raping sounds. Something about drowning out thoughts and replacing them with screaming rage fuel word garbage feels better than anything. Ghost is my favorite right now, god bless religious imagery. I love the lyrics, it’s like straight cocaine being injected into me through my ear canal. Like all drugs, of course, it gets less and less appealing with every shot, and a craving for a higher dosage takes over. I’m on a mission to find new, more stimulating music. Recommendations are veeery welcome!

I’m trying to get into fitness. The plan is to become an absolute powerhouse and join the Navy, maybe go into Black OPs or become a Navy SEAL. A little bit of a long shot, but this is my year and my life so I’d like to make the most of it. It might also be the innate desperation for recognition, respect and attention from mere strangers. I used to think I only needed friends and family. Now I feel like I need the world.

Another thing that’s happened is I can’t, for the life of me, regulate my emotions. Specifically the sad ones. If I get into my feels just enough, I’m in a permanent funk and can’t seem to get whatever media it is that depressed me out of my head. I’ve picked apart movie scenes and delved into song lyrics and read over and over books and stories that ripped my heart into shreds and stapled it back together. From Edgar Allen Poe, Shakespeare, and Ethel Cain to tumblr fanfics that are longer than any book I’ve read. Don’t even get me started on greek mythology. God, I love stories!! Stories that depress!! Like I’ve robed myself in cloaks of disparity that cloud everything I see. I think I’ve become a tragic soul. Do I sound emo?

Anyways. Now to the happy things. Friends!! Lovers!!! I’ve now had two partners, one of which made me feel like everything and the other like nothing. And I feel bad about both of them. But friends!!! I’ve made such good friends, and I don’t know what I would do without them. If anything were to ever happen to any of them, I’d kill everyone in the world and then burn along with it. Even people I’ve known before have become really good friends, people I thought hated my guts. I’ve become very defensive over them, and even if they hate me, I can’t hate them. They’re my people- I’ve found people!!

So that’s the gist. I just felt like I needed to get all of this out before I implode. Peace out.