why am i old?

i spent my saturday night sitting in bed playing microsoft solitaire on my laptop. on the tv, i was watching an episode of the west wing. then all of a sudden i started craving a c*ggy (SMOKING IS VERY BAD) and i went outside and bought a bottle of diet mountain dew to sip on while i puffed on a virginia slim menthol 120. then i went back inside and started doing a goddamn crossword puzzle like i'm 75 years old. like i'm literally a young, bright, sexy college student... why am i spending my time like i'm retired and menopausal...