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I want to sleep, but i cant sleep. i sleep for an hour and wake up. i have nothing to do, nothing to eat and no motivation for anything. only thoughts of wanting to die come into my head. I don't want to do anything. Everything is bothersome. I want to sleep but I'm anxious because i feel like I'm wasting time laying down. even though I'm anxious, i don't wanna do anything so i lie down. i feel like I'm running out of gas to keep me moving. depression is like holding onto that scar like a bruise and then bursting it. I'm saying that i'm so depressed that i don't care if i give up on everything i have, but i still want to live. It is scary to die, but often i think that i want to disappear like a person who never existed in this world. 

I've always suppressed my emotions, always tried to endure hardships and words of the people outside. Always arrived to school early, always do my work silently, try my best in everything. The things i received went in a different criticism, the discomfort they gave me, i always kept in my heart. Overcame everything alone. 

before i got depressed, i couldn't understand people with depression. how do people more depressed than me live? 

as difficult times piled up, people i believed to be friends, left one by one. To be honest, i never felt the affection of blood relatives in my life. when i think like this, i wonder why i live. 

I'm writing it, but its about wanting to die everytime.