i am afraid of my future (vent/rant)

no, i am not just afraid, i am fucking TERRIFIED.

there are two reasons for that :

1. mental and physical downsides

2. the rules and laws of my country.

get ready for a trip in my worthless fucking life.

1.

i know i have a lot of skills and positive characteristics, for example, you people know me for a lot of my skills, like programming (html, css, python, lua, luau etc.), pixel art, msuic making, adobe photoshop/illustrator/animator and etc., some people know me for my kindness or sympathy.

but all of that shit gets overshadowed by my downsides.

for one, i can't do shit irl. i just can't. i can't make myself food, i can't make myself do homework, i can't do nothing. and all that comes from a bigger problem, of my life revolving around 2 of the deadly sins : sloth and lust. maybe thats normal cuz i am a teen, idk, but i despise myself for my life being "wake up, do nothing, self pleasure, eat, sleep". and i didn't even mention possible mental disorders or my physical health sucking ass and over all me just being sick so often i feel like shit for it.

2.

you may say that i can change everything i listed above, i have 2-6 years left to do that (i am still not telling you my age, even in a vent). and then BOOM, the government drops a 10 year old rules and laws bomb after i get 18.

for one, we have army that you are REQUIRED to go in for 1-2 years. it means you'll be brainwashed with government propaganda in full isolation, not even contact with close ones.

but thats just a minor inconvenience. moneylessness is fucking me up even more.

having no money will cause so much problems in my life i can't even count : no university, no transgender stuff, no travelling which means no escape or means of contact with my friends or bf, not even home will be possible for me. and i can't even go to McDonalds cuz i have no idea how to even cook myself food.

i feel like i was fucked from the start, because right now even just saying the name of the country i was born in is bound for me to receive death threats.

i stare at my future, and the future stares back.

and i have no idea if i will win the staredown or not.