life update !!!!

hello anyone reading this ! 

i'm doing relatively well at the moment, I'm getting closer to a friend I have and I went to her house for the first time !!

I saw my best friend of almost 9 years 2 weeks ago and we got slurpees and ate snacks while watching heathers (1988) and I had a pretty good time

I've been having troubles maintaining relationships with my friends, and to be honest I feel I'm being self centred even though part of me is resentful and angry. but i think I should slow down and reflect on everything I feel about it all.  I've also been battling a lot of negative thoughts and recently had a panic attack and felt I needed to call an ambulance,, but I'm really proud of myself just even that I'm here in the first place.... considering I started thinking how shit my life was a year or two ago. 

I'm switching psychologists because of personal matters with family issues and she was involved in it. so ! I'm choosing a new one. struggling a bit but I'm choosing between about 3 people that I've narrowed it down to.

I have a friend that I really love but I cant get myself to have a long conversation with her-- we both don't really have much to talk about

I'm really excited because news is coming forward about camp here and there season 2 soon! and solar opposites season 5 is coming august 12th this year!!!  and FNAF 2's movie is in production set to release 2025 on Halloween!! 

I did have a thought last night. it''s a bit cringey but I was looking at some poems on tiktok and it really made me think poetically about myself as a person, my goals, improvements and  struggles.

and I realized something about myself--

I want to love others, I want to help people, I want to be a core memory and remembered like the memory of a woman helping me when I was lost at the cinema and crying not knowing where my parents were. I want to be remembered positively

But to do that, I need to heal-- because i'm not stable enough to help and can end up putting that onto others

But I can't heal without helping others, so it goes in full circle 

It's a problem I've recognised, sure, but I have absolutely no clue what I can do to improve then

I feel a bit overwhelmed with issues. Like, with friends, my mum wanting to spend time with me but I isolate myself as a coping technique, social cues, therapy, my grandma grieving, my distant cousins celebrating their 21st birthdays-- I feel like I cant keep up. and no, the last bit isn't an issue but nonetheless makes me realize life is going so fast and it stresses me a bit.

I do feel guilty for everything right now but I'm trying to forgive myself.


Damn, if you read this far, you have a good attention span. you seriously read my rants??? love you. if you care so much about a 14yr old teen on the internet's blog about his issues, you're sweet. I appreciate it.