hiii

It feels so strange, the feeling of feeling like you've lost yourself, but feeling like it's still there somehow, like feeling that emptiness from time to time, when it hurts a lot but it just won't release, it clings to your soul and stays doing damage for years, it stays in your heart and tears you apart no matter how much time passes, things can improve but there are simply still open wounds, and you don't know how much I wish I had peace of mind, sometimes I just wish to end everything with myself, to be silent my mind, my mind is my torture my prison my downfall, but I also want to live everything that people live speak live exist Chills still pass through my body every time I listen to those songs that I listened to in low moments of my life, and I hate everything more and more, as I unconsciously seek help to escape from my mind, my downfall, lately I immersed myself a lot in alcohol, and I I feel so stupid, because I'm 15 years old and I never wanted to do this, I'm just still "moon" the 5 year old girl who just wants to cry and disappear, escape from everything There are random moments in my life, when I think, why? because? Why do I always have to beg for crumbs of love, why is my love for others always born, but not reborn for me? I feel like crying until my heart is tiny, and it can't hold any more pain, and I know that pain makes me human, but I simply don't want it anymore. I want to cry until my eyes are just 2 soft and light waterfalls I want my skin to disintegrate and become part of the sand, which the sea moistens, and see beyond I want to go out there and let the wind comb my hair, just exist and live, not have to carry the weight of my broken mind and heart, my shaking body and my broken hair. I hate that continuous struggle of my thoughts and my soul, that delicate shadow that pursues me, like the peace of the good that peace me fights against my wounds and my rotten mind I see my head as a beautiful garden of flowers but with a very dry land that just longs to feel a little of water and stop being burned by the inevitable sun