too much nostalgia aaaaaa

i am back here again so soon lol. my website is gonna get a makeover so i dont really wanna go and write stuff and format it the old way and then have to change it again rn.

i was going through some pinterest stuff for inspiration on the design tho-- mostly early 2000s scene related graphics etc. i dress scene IRL and have been slowly moving my only aesthetic in that direction w things like my fursona... But god, whenever i focus more on it the more i get this aching in my chest for 'what could have been' and/or 'i want to go back so badly'. Thing is, I wasn't too young to miss the era, I was right in it (not right when it started, but it was quite relevant for a number of years when i was in middle school and some of high school). But what did happen is that I was not given the chance to live it at that time-- I had a super strict mother who would never let me get anywhere close to looking scene. The most i got to do was getting Blood On The Dance floor (RIP this band. if only you didn't go to the fucked up hell you did) shirts because my mom thought the art and colors were cute... otherwise you had me: white girl with long blonde hair cut poorly by ur mother and some Old Navy branded jeans.

I am not here to go on about abuse or mom issues but, point is that I missed out on a lot of things I wish I got to do back then. And yes, me going and living out my scene fashion now as an independent adult IS me reclaiming that and doing what I didn't get to do. But it is hard not to miss it still. It is hard not to yearn for the life I could have had. I wish I got to be part of the hype and excitement of the scene (scene scene?) at its highest.

And those feelings snowball the more they linger on my mind... I miss the "culture" (the social scene and culture surrounding media WHICH BTW was pretty awful in many place but its the clouded 'i miss it' that generally goes for the positives instead of all those negatives), the TV and movies, the internet, the era of electronics and video games and how it limited my use of the web in a way that I wish it did now while also letting me have fun with electronics in a less harmful way. I miss the fashion and aesthetic trends. I miss the music and all the concerts I wasn't allowed to go to. 

I miss whatever undefined feeling it is that I have about the past. A lot of this I feel is valid comparisons to the present, once I wish we hadn't lost or changed and I wish could change back. Like electronics. I feel like it was a good balance... out video game consoles did what they needed, and we had some cool handhelds which we had the ability to connect with friends too-- imo its all I need. Computers did what computers still do, but the internet had not expanded and then collapsed into a small selection of social media that everyone flocks to (despite the wider web still existing). I think the feelings hurt more because some of them could be possible, but they are not happening. As much as we try to push the 'indie web' I think there has to be some level of acceptance that it will not be the perfect version of the internet we wish for (maybe in the far future if twitter/insta/facebook/tumblr explode and die).

This is all to say-- despite these feelings I am trying to resolve them in the present. Like I said I am embracing that fashion today even if it is no longer relevant (I know some young gen z is finding interest in scene tho). I am tryin' to live more with my own website and focus on that instead of social media. I returned to loads of music I enjoyed in middle school and I am trying to go to concerts for these bands since I never got to. It is incredibly hard to not miss the past and what I never got. It is so so hard. But I try to remind myself to do what I never did right now, because I can.