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psa i wrote this weird but i didn't feel like writing lazily anymore 

a few days ago, i was at school and i didn't feel good so i went to the office to get some painkillers. i didn't have any water with me so the lady at the desk gave me a cup and told me to fill it up in the medical bay room. i've only been in that room twice including that day; the last time i was in there, i was sick that day and wanted to go home. i had left my english, it was a random day in early march, and i was waiting for my mother to come pick me up. as i was sitting there i got a text and i had a miniature heart attack when i saw that fish was the one who texted me. (fish is a codename). 

it had been six months since we last talked and i saw the text and i remember exactly how i felt; i was smiling so hard i couldn't stop no matter how hard i tried, i was shaking and my heart was beating so hard and i was texting my friend who was in class spamming her in all caps. i have felt ecstatic before, and this was one of the times i literally was bursting with joy. even though, since christmas 2022, i was basically going through an episode and my mental health was shit, one of the only reasons i didn't lose my mind was fish. he didn't like me at first but i was being bold because 

interruption to let everyone know i am now crying anyway let me keep going 

i was being bold because i didn't want him to leave again and he started to flirt with me like he used to and i was so happy

and we talked for the next few days on and off and then on the friday, my family was staying over the three day weekend in a beach area in my country. 

he was texting me as i took the bus home and we texted without either of us leaving or getting distracted, and we texted the whole car drive up. when i got there it was really pretty, we had a cabin overlooking the beach and it was literally perfect

he went to sleep and then for the rest of the weekend, we were constantly talking to each other all weekend, i obviously spent time with my family and saw all the scenery, but i was thinking about him the entire time and i mean i didn't spend 5 minute while conscious not thinking about him, and we texted 24/7 so i was looking at my phone the whole time. 

and then for the next months we were talking all the time and we both liked each other, but i was not in a good mental place to be in any relationship so i had to say i didn't know how i felt but i did and i know what i did was right but i wish he had told me he liked me again when i got better 

my camera roll is filled with screenshots of our conversations and i have thought about him everyday since i met him. i've never felt this kind of love for anyone and i know he probably has a girlfriend now or whatever and if he did i would stop chasing him but i wish he still loved me

its been 26 days i am literallt destroyed time to spend the next 7 months in recovery like i did last year from my solipsism

please stop ignoring me fish