Im pretty sure im a lesbian

HELLO HI HELLO!!

This blog is terribly important, but I wanted to write it anyway since I haven't blogged in basically forever and ever!! I also wanted to talk about what I reflected on to get me close to this conclusion (close because, technically, I'm still not sure!!)

Ok, so I've been suspecting that I might actually be a lesbian for about over a year now. I really started to question when I realized why I don't actually go out of my way to be friends with straight men. If anything, I actually really refer to not being friends with them, and that's because I was always afraid of them liking me. so many of the straight-guy friends I used to have would end up telling me they liked me at some point. even just a joke about it would really put me off. now, I am aromantic, and I initially thought, "Well, I'm aromantic, of course, I'm scared of that; I don't really like anyone!!" but that's not entirely the case for me.

I am aromatic, but I'm not romance-repulsed at all. I've just literally never had any romantic interest in anyone in my life. I noticed something was probably a bit different about me when all of my peers were able to get crushes, and I just.... wasn't. I also did the "pick someone that I find attractive to have a crush on" thing (but it wasn't to try to fit in; I just thought that's how it worked). Anyway, all this is to say that when I gave it more thought, I realized I wasn't scared of girls liking me at all. in fact, I've had exactly one girl tell me she used to have a crush on me, and I wasn't particularly phased and my heart didn't drop to my ass (of course I still didn't like her, but I was never scared of her liking me)

there's more, of course, like how whenever I pictured myself in any kind of relationship, it was never with a man; it was with a girl. and the fact that I've never once thought, "I want a boyfriend," but I have genuinely thought, "I want a girlfriend." the fact that I can definitely recall the girl crunches I had on fictional characters as a kid, but never any of the guy ones.  this last little piece of evidence, might sound a bit crazier, but just go along with me. I have very high suspicions that I'm autistic, so every once in a while, I'll watch videos on autism to quench my imposter syndrome. I preface this by saying that I know the autistic experience is different for everyone and that this is just something I noticed with me in particular. Whenever I watched videos on women and autistic friendships, one common trait they shared was that they found it very hard to be friends with girls, so they mainly had guy friends. they just found guys a bit easier to be around and couldn't find themselves fitting into girl spaces. for me, it's the complete opposite. I find it incredibly hard to be friends with men, and I find it really easy to be friends with girls. 

now, of course, this is still jarring for me to figure out. I've been bisexual for as long as I can remember, and I fought for and with that community. its pretty hard to let all of that go. there are also some contradictions in having that I can't really discuss with her for....reasons!!

anyway, that's all really!! hopefully, I can have my answer by the time I graduate because all this thinking is taking my noggin out. ty for reading if you did!!! and if you're someone who was formerly bisexual and realized they were a lesbian somewhere along the way, feel free to share that experience!!

TOOOOOOOODLES!!! :33

p.s. sorry for any typos!!!