if you dont like heavy psychoanalysis of people who are not good people, probably skip this post.

context for my experience in this field- hi i grew up in an environment that left me with cptsd among other brain-fried stuff. deeeeefinitely not something to brag about- its important to know ive had to take care of myself physically/mentally from a very young age with no assistance from guardians- now you know what youre getting into with reading this.

anyways, to the post!

something ive found interesting in the last year is the fact that when one parental figure is highly neglectful and/or abusive, they are not the only one at fault if it has been happening for as long as most child abuse cases.

translation: if you have an abusive parent, the other parent can be complacent and make some vital choices to stay and let this behavior continue.

i dont like digging into my own stuff and airing out my business, but these people. They baffle and astound me.

parent 2 is an enabler of 1. they always have been and will continue to be one to the grave. 2 refuses to acknowledge reality and the fact that 1 has always been full of rage and hate, and instead whines about how they dont believe in divorce and they "guess [they're] just a bad parent". deflection to the highest degree. 2 will never take responsibility for their bullshit and that makes them just like 1- forever deflecting and blaming anything else but themselves, often their child if its easy enough to shove blame my way.

theyre two sides of the same coin. theyre truly a match made in whatever circle of hell theyve been conjured out of. both of them are bad and have been bad this whole time. its not just 1's fault, so 2 was right to constantly sob at me to "not blame [my] [p1] for everything". youre so right!!!! its also YOUR fault :D so true bestie! its your fucking fault too that i exist lololol

is this what being mad feels like? i think im mad. i didnt allow myself to be mad growing up since p1 was angry enough for the whole world. i think this is what being mad feels like. i dont know though since ive been trained in how to suppress anything other than submission and blindly agreeing to appease my household.

P2 was so fucking right. i wont blame p1 for everything- they had a direct hand in making me the way i am now. they chose to not help me when i was screaming for help, and now theyre trying to scream for help themselves from me- its not my job, especially when holding bad people accountable was never modeled in my house.

they'll never read this or anything like it unless i become a federal criminal or something, but just in case, a note for p2: 

you fucked up exponentially. like. really fucking bad. you thought you were doing the right thing in keeping me safe by leaving me alone with p1 every day that you worked. p1 ruined me and you never once helped me beyond crying at me. you could have taken me away from them. you could have done literally anything, but it was easier for you to do nothing, sit on your hands, and pretend you constantly dont know why im so upset. youve gaslit me for my whole life on whats right and wrong for partners and parents alike to say and do to their partners/children respectively. you showed me that p1's mistreatment was okay and to just sit and take all the abuse and fawn exponentially until youre nothing but a yesman for the dictator of the household. when you sob about how youre a fuckup and a horrible parent- youre so fucking right and i dont feel bad about saying that like i thought i would.

no one's gonna save me besides myself. no one is gonna advocate for me besides myself. becoming aware of this stupid bullshit has given me an opportunity to become my biggest cheerleader, because if i wasnt able to process these things in this way i wouldve offed myself by now. did they want that? the answer is likely no since it would make them look bad, but if they used their brains for a single moment they have a small but albeit existent chance to realize they set me up for that.

even now i want to backspace and defend them- but thats just my brain trying to protect me out of reflex.

i know im privileged to have both of these people technically physically present in my life for the illusion of support from both parents. this is one of the rarer cases where these clowns wont get divorced when they really, really should :3 even little me knew that, that's why there are letters to santa praying for them to separate!! (im getting help for my brainrot dont worry lol im medicated and looked after in counsel/therapy)

whatever. my therapist is gonna have a field day with this once i go back. 

love,

krav